Its new year's eve! Having watched the movie new year's eve, it made me particular excited about today, except that I know that the ambience in Singapore would certainly not be comparable to the one as depicted in the movie which potrayed how new year's eve would be celebrated in Times Square, New York City. True enough, today me and my friends hanged out at Timbre for a light dinner and some drinks. We actually intended to join the crazy crowd along marina bay for the countdown. The words crazy crowd is certainly an extreme understatement. In the end we decided to drop the idea of a countdown and just head home and countdown at the comfort of our own homes. I was extremely disappointed. I wanted a celebratory ambience and a nice countdown to sum up this year.

I got a little upset and down, and very soon I was alone heading home - which I did not. Guess where I went? I went to Mike's old house. I wanted to just be alone and get some memories of Mike by doing so. I took a taxi there and to my horror when I was walking along the car park i saw his car. As I approached nearer I realized he was in his car - I dont know if he saw me. I hope not. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I din even have the intention of wanting to see him. I just wanted to have some peace and quiet on my own and just be in my own world thinking about him will do. He drove off later in a matter of minutes. I don't know. What if he saw me and got angry again? And was there someone else in the car? Is he spending new year's eve counting down with someone else? The questions just constantly surface in my mind and very soon I was engulfed in emotions again. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of asking him and smsing him. The only thing I did was to sms him a happy new year when the clock struck 12. I don't know if he's angry with me or if he wants to shake me off.

This lonely new year's eve has made me think about him even more. I hope he isn't angry with me. I truly did not want to harass him or whatsoever. I just wanted to be by myself - at his void deck, in my own thoughts. I have no intention of looking for him/calling him/contacting him to meet up as of yet. He said the earliest we can meet is in 2012 and I gladly accept it. I hope we really get to meet soon. And on a very very side and sad note, I think I broke down again in the toilet just now. I just kept crying - worrying whether he saw me, worrying whether he's angry with me, worrying whether he's spending new year's eve with someone else. The thoughts just overwhelmed my mental threshold. Took me about 15mins to stop and recover. I think i'm ok now. Tomorrow is another day of tennis. Can't wait to see my kakis and have a good hit on the courts.

Thanks for listening to me today. And before I sleep. How can I leave this out. Here are my 2012 resolutions! These 10 came to mind instantaneously:
1. To find love
2. To behave like a mature adult
3. To excel in studies (whether or not its my last semester)
4. Career success (internships/full time jobs)
5. To treasure my friends and family more
6. To get my driving license
7. To learn how to cook better
8. To improve on my level of tennis
9. To head to the gym and swim regularly (to make up the lie i made to Mike about having 6pecs)
10. To curb my obsessiveness and depression and to learn to really take things slowly (whether it concerns affairs of the heart/ or even day to day decisions)

Alright, thanks for listening to me again! And its 2012, Happy new year to you and to Mike! All the best to him and I hope he's happy with his life :) Its the year of the dragon, supposedly its not gonna be a breeze for me (a dragon). But I believe with faith and determination I will still do fine! Most importantly, resolution #1. Find love - I hope fate gives us more opportunities to hang out and if better, make it work out. Right now at this moment, I can honestly still say I'm failing in his golden rule #1. I know that deep down under I still think about him and love him. I know its superficial and irrational, but the feeling of liking and loving someone is amazing and I hope this flame doesn't completely extinguish, so that when one day if Mike and me really get together the passion will still be there. I'm still waiting for that day to come. I hope we get to meet more often and understand each other better...

-Werd