Hi,
Today I made an effort to wake up early! Headed to the gym in the morning for around an hour, before going to kbox with my friends. Pretty fruitful I must say :)
But soon it was 6pm and I could feel the depression sinking in again - it always happens at night. I felt the urge to speak to Mike. I smsed him the night before but he hasn't replied. Is he angry with me again? Did I do something wrong? Maybe he caught me going to his house secretly again? But he doesn't live there anymore? I don't know. I'm afraid. Pls don't ignore me Mike. I'm so sorry but I have really been trying to listen to your instructions, but I still need some allowance to make the adjustments. I really wanna just see him and know him more as a friend, I need the chance to sit down and just have a good chat with him. I hope that day comes soon :(
Should I sms him again tomorrow? I don't know T.T I'm afraid he'll think i'm being irritating. Argh. Today I hanged out with a guy from 8pm till about midnight at town. Just dinner and some drinks. I tried to open up myself but it didn't work. It went on fine initially, I was laughing and we were just enjoying each other's company. But after a while, my emotions just came back. I knew that I wanted Mike to be the one there with me. Not this person. And soon my level of excitement kind of just dropped and I believe the guy felt it too. We took separate cab homes at around 1am. I broke down instantaneously and just cried in the cab. I hope the taxi uncle didn't notice. I missed Mike. I cried and blamed myself for being so useless once again.
Why... Why am I feeling this way. Why did Mike leave such an impeccable impression on me. Its killing me from within. The feeling is so so strong.. Mike.. Please don't ignore me...
-Werd
Friday, January 13, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
As emotional as it gets
Hello. I feel like I owe you a story regarding my passion for teaching. Let me first talk about it before going to the main issue of what I wanna post about today. In relation to teaching, I believe I really enjoy the whole idea of teaching. Since young, I had always given my younger brother all sorts of funny assignments, exams and tests in the attempt to coach him in his studies. Moving on, I have also taught a series of tuition assignments after my JC days as well as relief teaching in my secondary school! Sometimes with my friend, we do all sorts of stupid stuff like setting test papers and uploading educational material regarding funny non academic stuff for another of our friend just to get the excitement of being a teacher. Even though it is not even serious and just for fun, I believe we really enjoy the idea of being able to teach! But of course, in reality a career in teaching might not be so smooth sailing as what we picture, the stress level might even be higher when all the politics, competition, student, parent issues come into play. Sooo.. I guess it is still just a dream at the moment! But I would not rule the possibility of me entering this line as of yet. As opposed to being a doctor, its totally out of my league since I have close to 0 tolerance for gore. In fact I am more afraid of gory movies than horror movies! I close my eyes each time, I get really really scared and goose-bumped.
Ok. Anyway today (Wednesday), was a very emotional day for me because something really bad and disastrous happened to me the day before (Tuesday). It is too personal and disgusting that I feel that I should not type the details here. In any case I feel extremely upset and emotional just thinking about it. I feel dirty and disgusted with myself - like what was I thinking seriously? It was me and my immature mentality, I actually thought of getting more experience in doing "it" because I think Mike rathers me being more experienced in it than being a newbie in this arena. Yup, so in the attempt to do so something really really bad and disgusting happened to me. The though of it makes me feel like breaking down. I wanna cry. I wanna talk to someone and tell someone about it. I wanna cry and tell Mike what happened. But I don't want him to see me in such a weak state. I can't let him see me being this crazy self all the time...
Today, I headed to St Patricks School to submit some documents for relief teaching because I was called up to leave my documents there in the event they need help. I had previously done the same for Anglican High School and Victoria School as well. I had no intention at all to go and peek at Mike, I really didn't. But of course deep down under I won't deny that a glimpse of him would certainly make my day. Unfortunately I did not even get to see him. I probably headed down too late. I went around 545pm to meet the person in charge at the canteen. Sat around for awhile and after a little chat it was 6pm. Soon I left the school, a little sad that I didn't get to see him. But what was I expecting anyway right? If I had seen him it might just give him the wrong idea, which I don't want. So thankfully I didn't meet him face to face.
Following that I went for dinner with my 2 friends from university. It was a great time of catching up but I guess I was a little emotionally distraught and was relatively quiet throughout the night. I guess they could sense it too, but neither knew what had happened to me. I blamed it on boredom at home and stress. I don't know what to do, I was thinking of Mike the whole night and how much I wanna tell him what had happened to me but I didn't even dare to sms him. He has since moved to Parc Emily which I probably would not have any access since its private property. As such I decided to head back to his old apartment to have some time for myself and seek some emotional comfort from within. I headed down at around 1015pm and made my way up to the 12 storey. And I literally sat at the stairway beside and cried. I broke down emotionally. I din know what to do, I don't even know what I'm doing at his house. He isn't even staying there anymore. I just needed some time for myself and somehow the atmosphere there made me feel very comforted. I plugged in my emo music and cried as I thought about everything that has happened over the past 1 month. I have been trying very hard to stop loving him to be honest, but I just can't do it. I know that deep down under I'm just living in denial, I really really do love him. I don't even think its an infatuation anymore, neither is it any form of lust. I just want his company, to be taken care of by him. Anyway the thoughts overwhelmed me and I just couldn't stop crying. It was pretty horrible, thankfully no one walked past. Even if anyone saw me I probably wouldn't know since I was just absorbed into my music and sad thoughts. It went on for about 30-45mins before I finally decided to go home. It was another cold windy night and my ankle was acting up again. It always works up at this time of the day, and it makes walking painful. My right ankle was in pain and I had to limp my way home again. In the end I gave up walking to the bus stop and I just flagged a cab home. It was too painful. I hate my leg. Why won't it recover fully, but I guess my heart is in a even worst state so I probably should not complain too much about my leg.
I have really tried my best to listen to Mike and stop loving him as of now. But I really can't do it. I tried meeting other guys as well but it just didn't work. I din even feel a single thing for them. I didn't have any fun with them as well, they were all just online chats, except for the one fateful incident yesterday which I do not want to think about. Sorry Mike, I'm so useless. I'm so helplessly in love with you that I don't even know what to do. I just wanna see you, I hope you would at least meet me for a meal for your birthday. These are my truthful thoughts, thanks for listening to me rattle my sorrows :(
Hope tomorrow would be a better day.
Gd night!
-Werd
Ok. Anyway today (Wednesday), was a very emotional day for me because something really bad and disastrous happened to me the day before (Tuesday). It is too personal and disgusting that I feel that I should not type the details here. In any case I feel extremely upset and emotional just thinking about it. I feel dirty and disgusted with myself - like what was I thinking seriously? It was me and my immature mentality, I actually thought of getting more experience in doing "it" because I think Mike rathers me being more experienced in it than being a newbie in this arena. Yup, so in the attempt to do so something really really bad and disgusting happened to me. The though of it makes me feel like breaking down. I wanna cry. I wanna talk to someone and tell someone about it. I wanna cry and tell Mike what happened. But I don't want him to see me in such a weak state. I can't let him see me being this crazy self all the time...
Today, I headed to St Patricks School to submit some documents for relief teaching because I was called up to leave my documents there in the event they need help. I had previously done the same for Anglican High School and Victoria School as well. I had no intention at all to go and peek at Mike, I really didn't. But of course deep down under I won't deny that a glimpse of him would certainly make my day. Unfortunately I did not even get to see him. I probably headed down too late. I went around 545pm to meet the person in charge at the canteen. Sat around for awhile and after a little chat it was 6pm. Soon I left the school, a little sad that I didn't get to see him. But what was I expecting anyway right? If I had seen him it might just give him the wrong idea, which I don't want. So thankfully I didn't meet him face to face.
Following that I went for dinner with my 2 friends from university. It was a great time of catching up but I guess I was a little emotionally distraught and was relatively quiet throughout the night. I guess they could sense it too, but neither knew what had happened to me. I blamed it on boredom at home and stress. I don't know what to do, I was thinking of Mike the whole night and how much I wanna tell him what had happened to me but I didn't even dare to sms him. He has since moved to Parc Emily which I probably would not have any access since its private property. As such I decided to head back to his old apartment to have some time for myself and seek some emotional comfort from within. I headed down at around 1015pm and made my way up to the 12 storey. And I literally sat at the stairway beside and cried. I broke down emotionally. I din know what to do, I don't even know what I'm doing at his house. He isn't even staying there anymore. I just needed some time for myself and somehow the atmosphere there made me feel very comforted. I plugged in my emo music and cried as I thought about everything that has happened over the past 1 month. I have been trying very hard to stop loving him to be honest, but I just can't do it. I know that deep down under I'm just living in denial, I really really do love him. I don't even think its an infatuation anymore, neither is it any form of lust. I just want his company, to be taken care of by him. Anyway the thoughts overwhelmed me and I just couldn't stop crying. It was pretty horrible, thankfully no one walked past. Even if anyone saw me I probably wouldn't know since I was just absorbed into my music and sad thoughts. It went on for about 30-45mins before I finally decided to go home. It was another cold windy night and my ankle was acting up again. It always works up at this time of the day, and it makes walking painful. My right ankle was in pain and I had to limp my way home again. In the end I gave up walking to the bus stop and I just flagged a cab home. It was too painful. I hate my leg. Why won't it recover fully, but I guess my heart is in a even worst state so I probably should not complain too much about my leg.
I have really tried my best to listen to Mike and stop loving him as of now. But I really can't do it. I tried meeting other guys as well but it just didn't work. I din even feel a single thing for them. I didn't have any fun with them as well, they were all just online chats, except for the one fateful incident yesterday which I do not want to think about. Sorry Mike, I'm so useless. I'm so helplessly in love with you that I don't even know what to do. I just wanna see you, I hope you would at least meet me for a meal for your birthday. These are my truthful thoughts, thanks for listening to me rattle my sorrows :(
Hope tomorrow would be a better day.
Gd night!
-Werd
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I finally stepped out of the house today! Limped my way to orchard for a super nice dimsum at imperial treasure, gosh we severly over ordered! No wonder i'm losing my pecs more and more! Thats it im going to the gym and swim more oncey leg is back in shape. I hope it recovers soon though :(
Went to the A&F shop today as well. Boy the place really stinks of perfume, makes me wanna faint! But the staff there look really hot though haha. Tried on some of the shirts, doesnt fit my built at all! I would prolly need a bigger chest before i can fit perfectly into their shirts. At the moment my fred perry would do fine :)
Tomrrow is the release of O level results! I'm super excited for my younger brother!! I hope he does well. So that my teachings, especially maths and geography would not be gone to waste! Anyway for his own good, i also hope he does well. You have no idea how much i love my younger brother haha. If possible i intend to go to his sch tmr to show him my support as an elder brother as well!
Ok.. Thats it for today. Am a little tired. I'll tell you more tomorrow about my childhood aspirations in relation to teaching :) see you! Leg please get well soon! And pls let me meet Mike soon! :((
Good night!
-Werd
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Hello!!! So much has happened over the past few days that I forgot to blog, or should I say was too affected to blog :(
Let me first start out with Wednesday. Did not really do much other than having lunch with my ex-colleagues (who are the perm staff in the company) during my summer internship stint. It was a great time of catching up, and also absolutely interesting listening to them gossip a little about what goes on in the office. But most importantly, i see them as elder brothers and sisters in the industry. I value each and every of their input and advice as I am currently still undecided on my career path! I really appreciate every single word they've put in to advice me and help me out! They paid for my dinner as well, argh I feel so bad. Its not as though their like 20 years my senior, they are merely just 3 or 4 years older than me! All in all, it was a wonderful night, both company wise and food wise :)
Thursdayyyy!! The day that disaster happened. The day started out good, I actually had a call from a few schools requesting me to do relief teaching, but I turned them down. In fact, one of the schools was the school where Mike works. Yeah i'm not kidding. I have deposited my resumes and stuff all over the eastern schools since like 3 years ago. But what coincidence right? Anyway, I doubt I will teach in Mike's school even if they call me up for real. How awkward it would be if we meet in school - I don't want him to get the wrong idea as well that I'm purposefully trying to get opportunities to see him, as much as I want to. How ideal it would be right if we were together for real and working together as well. Anyway, sorry for digressing - this is NOT the disaster! Disaster struck me during my tennis session in the afternoon. The hitting started off well, but unfortunately I had a really bad fall and I sprained and twisted my ankle very badly. The doctor said it was tantamount to a 3rd grade sprain. I could barely stand or walk after the fall. My friend almost had to piggy back me to the toilet because I was really in pain. At that moment I felt so hopeless, I was worried that my ability to play tennis would be affected. I do not wish to lose my favourite sport!! :( Sigh.. I was in pain both physically and emotionally. Soon after, I sms-ed Mike to tell him about my fall, but I didn't get any reply. I sort of expected it. But of course I was sad that he didn't ask further about my sprain or shower some concern. What was I thinking anyway, the last thing Mike would need is a burden to him so I better recover soon.
I was in pain throughout the night till I had to perpetually elevate my leg so that fluid would stop flowing to my ankle. The swelling was absolutely horrendous. The next day, I immediately went to a sinseh, he's pretty famous - along upper paya lebar road. Oh my gosh, I did not know what to expect it was my first time going for such a treatment as it was my first sprain, and it had to be such a bad one. Soon after it was my turn, and the sinseh looked really fierce. I was terrified omg. He asked me to lay on the bed and soon after he was right at my sprained ankle. Before I know it, he grabbed it and twisted it like 2 times. I SCREAMED. YES i freaking SCREAMED! I think it was loud enough for the people outside to hear. How embarrassing. Even the sinseh's wife had to come in to comfort me and check out whats going on. But to be honest, it was a hell of a pain, and I was completely caught offguard, totally unprepared for his actions! Ouch! Seriously! Then after he massaged my leg and it got better, it was just that 10seconds of pain, ABSOLUTE pain! :( Lastly he bandaged my leg up and told me not to over exert and come back again in a few days. I managed to limp slightly better after the treatment, but there was still pain when I walked.
Before I knew it, it is Saturday and I could only stay at home the entire day due to my poor mobility :( Had dinner with my family and that's about it. I am completely cooped up at home. I miss Mike :( I actually dreamt about him the night before. I can't remember what it was, but I know it was a good dream. I don't know why I'm still thinking about him this way. I can't help myself. I really want to meet him soon to have a good chat and know each other better. I miss him :'( What should I do? I don't dare to sms him as well :( Let's hope tmr is a better day and I can stand up on my feet and get it together both physically and mentally soon!
Anyway here's my summation stanza from the day. Adapted from the song Flying Without Wings, by Westlife:
Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
Good Night!
-Werd
Let me first start out with Wednesday. Did not really do much other than having lunch with my ex-colleagues (who are the perm staff in the company) during my summer internship stint. It was a great time of catching up, and also absolutely interesting listening to them gossip a little about what goes on in the office. But most importantly, i see them as elder brothers and sisters in the industry. I value each and every of their input and advice as I am currently still undecided on my career path! I really appreciate every single word they've put in to advice me and help me out! They paid for my dinner as well, argh I feel so bad. Its not as though their like 20 years my senior, they are merely just 3 or 4 years older than me! All in all, it was a wonderful night, both company wise and food wise :)
Thursdayyyy!! The day that disaster happened. The day started out good, I actually had a call from a few schools requesting me to do relief teaching, but I turned them down. In fact, one of the schools was the school where Mike works. Yeah i'm not kidding. I have deposited my resumes and stuff all over the eastern schools since like 3 years ago. But what coincidence right? Anyway, I doubt I will teach in Mike's school even if they call me up for real. How awkward it would be if we meet in school - I don't want him to get the wrong idea as well that I'm purposefully trying to get opportunities to see him, as much as I want to. How ideal it would be right if we were together for real and working together as well. Anyway, sorry for digressing - this is NOT the disaster! Disaster struck me during my tennis session in the afternoon. The hitting started off well, but unfortunately I had a really bad fall and I sprained and twisted my ankle very badly. The doctor said it was tantamount to a 3rd grade sprain. I could barely stand or walk after the fall. My friend almost had to piggy back me to the toilet because I was really in pain. At that moment I felt so hopeless, I was worried that my ability to play tennis would be affected. I do not wish to lose my favourite sport!! :( Sigh.. I was in pain both physically and emotionally. Soon after, I sms-ed Mike to tell him about my fall, but I didn't get any reply. I sort of expected it. But of course I was sad that he didn't ask further about my sprain or shower some concern. What was I thinking anyway, the last thing Mike would need is a burden to him so I better recover soon.
I was in pain throughout the night till I had to perpetually elevate my leg so that fluid would stop flowing to my ankle. The swelling was absolutely horrendous. The next day, I immediately went to a sinseh, he's pretty famous - along upper paya lebar road. Oh my gosh, I did not know what to expect it was my first time going for such a treatment as it was my first sprain, and it had to be such a bad one. Soon after it was my turn, and the sinseh looked really fierce. I was terrified omg. He asked me to lay on the bed and soon after he was right at my sprained ankle. Before I know it, he grabbed it and twisted it like 2 times. I SCREAMED. YES i freaking SCREAMED! I think it was loud enough for the people outside to hear. How embarrassing. Even the sinseh's wife had to come in to comfort me and check out whats going on. But to be honest, it was a hell of a pain, and I was completely caught offguard, totally unprepared for his actions! Ouch! Seriously! Then after he massaged my leg and it got better, it was just that 10seconds of pain, ABSOLUTE pain! :( Lastly he bandaged my leg up and told me not to over exert and come back again in a few days. I managed to limp slightly better after the treatment, but there was still pain when I walked.
Before I knew it, it is Saturday and I could only stay at home the entire day due to my poor mobility :( Had dinner with my family and that's about it. I am completely cooped up at home. I miss Mike :( I actually dreamt about him the night before. I can't remember what it was, but I know it was a good dream. I don't know why I'm still thinking about him this way. I can't help myself. I really want to meet him soon to have a good chat and know each other better. I miss him :'( What should I do? I don't dare to sms him as well :( Let's hope tmr is a better day and I can stand up on my feet and get it together both physically and mentally soon!
Anyway here's my summation stanza from the day. Adapted from the song Flying Without Wings, by Westlife:
Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
Good Night!
-Werd
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Heyy! Sorry forgot to blog yesterday! Was a little too tired. Haha.
Anyway today is awesome!! I had like a million things to settle but i'm glad it all worked out.
This is what I did:
1. Try and request for a job offer from company A
2. Succeeded in deferring a job offer confirmation to 2013 from company B
3. Settle some school module bidding matters
4. Get a birthday present for friend's birthday dinner tonight
5. Many other random errands!
My friend's birthday dinner was an awesome one! I thought it would be awkward as he invited some of his other friends as well but i'm glad we all gelled and had a good chat and a lot of fun and also nice photos!! heh :P
Unfortunately, Mike did not reply my message today :( that's the sad thing. I don't know what he's doing maybe he's too busy. I think he might be still meeting other people.. I don't know. I hope he would at least bother to have a meal with me on his birthday. Really really hope so.. I hope he's been telling me all truths so far, even though I did lie on our first meeting but I've since owned up and not lied to him about anything at all. I can calmly say that. Hais, i hope i hope..
Since we're at the topic of hope, let me end of today's post with another of my favourite song.
Mandy Moore - Only Hope:
So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.
Good nighty.
-Werd
Anyway today is awesome!! I had like a million things to settle but i'm glad it all worked out.
This is what I did:
1. Try and request for a job offer from company A
2. Succeeded in deferring a job offer confirmation to 2013 from company B
3. Settle some school module bidding matters
4. Get a birthday present for friend's birthday dinner tonight
5. Many other random errands!
My friend's birthday dinner was an awesome one! I thought it would be awkward as he invited some of his other friends as well but i'm glad we all gelled and had a good chat and a lot of fun and also nice photos!! heh :P
Unfortunately, Mike did not reply my message today :( that's the sad thing. I don't know what he's doing maybe he's too busy. I think he might be still meeting other people.. I don't know. I hope he would at least bother to have a meal with me on his birthday. Really really hope so.. I hope he's been telling me all truths so far, even though I did lie on our first meeting but I've since owned up and not lied to him about anything at all. I can calmly say that. Hais, i hope i hope..
Since we're at the topic of hope, let me end of today's post with another of my favourite song.
Mandy Moore - Only Hope:
So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.
Good nighty.
-Werd
Monday, January 2, 2012
Hi!! I woke up today feeling really really tired but was so glad to see that Mike replied me! I was extremely delighted. He wrote me more than what I expected. I expected him to reply maybe like happy new year too or something. He actually wished me certain stuff which I shouldn't say here but I was really happy! Totally boosted my mood for my tennis session later. The weather and the sun was insane, I'm totally sunburnt now! Argh.
After that headed to marina square with my friend to chill and have dinner at Sakae Sushi. Yum yum i love sushi! other than the raw stuff like sashimi. i'm ok with the rest! :D
Today is the first day of 2012 and I'm already thinking about when Mike will be meeting me :(
I hope school is not too busy for him and that he would not be working too hard! But I guess he might be, since enrolment might keep him busy? And O level results are coming out soon too, which might mean he might get caught up in meetings and also interacting with his students. I hope he can set aside some time to meet me :( I really wanna talk to him and also get a housewarming invitation of possible :P I wanna see his new condo!! If i'm not wrong his birthday should be coming soon! I smsed him about it to ask, I don't know if he'll reply me :( I hope he does cos I really wanna at least have a meal with him on his birthday? Would be awesome and a chance to get to know each other better as well! :)
Anyway I'm really tired after the intense tennis session today so I shall stop here! hehe.
Before I go, here's a stanza of lyrics from one of my favourite songs Enchanted by Taylor Swift.
This is me praying that this was the very first page
Not where the story line ends
My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again
These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
Nights!
-Werd
After that headed to marina square with my friend to chill and have dinner at Sakae Sushi. Yum yum i love sushi! other than the raw stuff like sashimi. i'm ok with the rest! :D
Today is the first day of 2012 and I'm already thinking about when Mike will be meeting me :(
I hope school is not too busy for him and that he would not be working too hard! But I guess he might be, since enrolment might keep him busy? And O level results are coming out soon too, which might mean he might get caught up in meetings and also interacting with his students. I hope he can set aside some time to meet me :( I really wanna talk to him and also get a housewarming invitation of possible :P I wanna see his new condo!! If i'm not wrong his birthday should be coming soon! I smsed him about it to ask, I don't know if he'll reply me :( I hope he does cos I really wanna at least have a meal with him on his birthday? Would be awesome and a chance to get to know each other better as well! :)
Anyway I'm really tired after the intense tennis session today so I shall stop here! hehe.
Before I go, here's a stanza of lyrics from one of my favourite songs Enchanted by Taylor Swift.
This is me praying that this was the very first page
Not where the story line ends
My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again
These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
Nights!
-Werd
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Its new year's eve! Having watched the movie new year's eve, it made me particular excited about today, except that I know that the ambience in Singapore would certainly not be comparable to the one as depicted in the movie which potrayed how new year's eve would be celebrated in Times Square, New York City. True enough, today me and my friends hanged out at Timbre for a light dinner and some drinks. We actually intended to join the crazy crowd along marina bay for the countdown. The words crazy crowd is certainly an extreme understatement. In the end we decided to drop the idea of a countdown and just head home and countdown at the comfort of our own homes. I was extremely disappointed. I wanted a celebratory ambience and a nice countdown to sum up this year.
I got a little upset and down, and very soon I was alone heading home - which I did not. Guess where I went? I went to Mike's old house. I wanted to just be alone and get some memories of Mike by doing so. I took a taxi there and to my horror when I was walking along the car park i saw his car. As I approached nearer I realized he was in his car - I dont know if he saw me. I hope not. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I din even have the intention of wanting to see him. I just wanted to have some peace and quiet on my own and just be in my own world thinking about him will do. He drove off later in a matter of minutes. I don't know. What if he saw me and got angry again? And was there someone else in the car? Is he spending new year's eve counting down with someone else? The questions just constantly surface in my mind and very soon I was engulfed in emotions again. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of asking him and smsing him. The only thing I did was to sms him a happy new year when the clock struck 12. I don't know if he's angry with me or if he wants to shake me off.
This lonely new year's eve has made me think about him even more. I hope he isn't angry with me. I truly did not want to harass him or whatsoever. I just wanted to be by myself - at his void deck, in my own thoughts. I have no intention of looking for him/calling him/contacting him to meet up as of yet. He said the earliest we can meet is in 2012 and I gladly accept it. I hope we really get to meet soon. And on a very very side and sad note, I think I broke down again in the toilet just now. I just kept crying - worrying whether he saw me, worrying whether he's angry with me, worrying whether he's spending new year's eve with someone else. The thoughts just overwhelmed my mental threshold. Took me about 15mins to stop and recover. I think i'm ok now. Tomorrow is another day of tennis. Can't wait to see my kakis and have a good hit on the courts.
Thanks for listening to me today. And before I sleep. How can I leave this out. Here are my 2012 resolutions! These 10 came to mind instantaneously:
1. To find love
2. To behave like a mature adult
3. To excel in studies (whether or not its my last semester)
4. Career success (internships/full time jobs)
5. To treasure my friends and family more
6. To get my driving license
7. To learn how to cook better
8. To improve on my level of tennis
9. To head to the gym and swim regularly (to make up the lie i made to Mike about having 6pecs)
10. To curb my obsessiveness and depression and to learn to really take things slowly (whether it concerns affairs of the heart/ or even day to day decisions)
Alright, thanks for listening to me again! And its 2012, Happy new year to you and to Mike! All the best to him and I hope he's happy with his life :) Its the year of the dragon, supposedly its not gonna be a breeze for me (a dragon). But I believe with faith and determination I will still do fine! Most importantly, resolution #1. Find love - I hope fate gives us more opportunities to hang out and if better, make it work out. Right now at this moment, I can honestly still say I'm failing in his golden rule #1. I know that deep down under I still think about him and love him. I know its superficial and irrational, but the feeling of liking and loving someone is amazing and I hope this flame doesn't completely extinguish, so that when one day if Mike and me really get together the passion will still be there. I'm still waiting for that day to come. I hope we get to meet more often and understand each other better...
-Werd
I got a little upset and down, and very soon I was alone heading home - which I did not. Guess where I went? I went to Mike's old house. I wanted to just be alone and get some memories of Mike by doing so. I took a taxi there and to my horror when I was walking along the car park i saw his car. As I approached nearer I realized he was in his car - I dont know if he saw me. I hope not. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I din even have the intention of wanting to see him. I just wanted to have some peace and quiet on my own and just be in my own world thinking about him will do. He drove off later in a matter of minutes. I don't know. What if he saw me and got angry again? And was there someone else in the car? Is he spending new year's eve counting down with someone else? The questions just constantly surface in my mind and very soon I was engulfed in emotions again. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of asking him and smsing him. The only thing I did was to sms him a happy new year when the clock struck 12. I don't know if he's angry with me or if he wants to shake me off.
This lonely new year's eve has made me think about him even more. I hope he isn't angry with me. I truly did not want to harass him or whatsoever. I just wanted to be by myself - at his void deck, in my own thoughts. I have no intention of looking for him/calling him/contacting him to meet up as of yet. He said the earliest we can meet is in 2012 and I gladly accept it. I hope we really get to meet soon. And on a very very side and sad note, I think I broke down again in the toilet just now. I just kept crying - worrying whether he saw me, worrying whether he's angry with me, worrying whether he's spending new year's eve with someone else. The thoughts just overwhelmed my mental threshold. Took me about 15mins to stop and recover. I think i'm ok now. Tomorrow is another day of tennis. Can't wait to see my kakis and have a good hit on the courts.
Thanks for listening to me today. And before I sleep. How can I leave this out. Here are my 2012 resolutions! These 10 came to mind instantaneously:
1. To find love
2. To behave like a mature adult
3. To excel in studies (whether or not its my last semester)
4. Career success (internships/full time jobs)
5. To treasure my friends and family more
6. To get my driving license
7. To learn how to cook better
8. To improve on my level of tennis
9. To head to the gym and swim regularly (to make up the lie i made to Mike about having 6pecs)
10. To curb my obsessiveness and depression and to learn to really take things slowly (whether it concerns affairs of the heart/ or even day to day decisions)
Alright, thanks for listening to me again! And its 2012, Happy new year to you and to Mike! All the best to him and I hope he's happy with his life :) Its the year of the dragon, supposedly its not gonna be a breeze for me (a dragon). But I believe with faith and determination I will still do fine! Most importantly, resolution #1. Find love - I hope fate gives us more opportunities to hang out and if better, make it work out. Right now at this moment, I can honestly still say I'm failing in his golden rule #1. I know that deep down under I still think about him and love him. I know its superficial and irrational, but the feeling of liking and loving someone is amazing and I hope this flame doesn't completely extinguish, so that when one day if Mike and me really get together the passion will still be there. I'm still waiting for that day to come. I hope we get to meet more often and understand each other better...
-Werd
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