As emotional as it gets

Hello. I feel like I owe you a story regarding my passion for teaching. Let me first talk about it before going to the main issue of what I wanna post about today. In relation to teaching, I believe I really enjoy the whole idea of teaching. Since young, I had always given my younger brother all sorts of funny assignments, exams and tests in the attempt to coach him in his studies. Moving on, I have also taught a series of tuition assignments after my JC days as well as relief teaching in my secondary school! Sometimes with my friend, we do all sorts of stupid stuff like setting test papers and uploading educational material regarding funny non academic stuff for another of our friend just to get the excitement of being a teacher. Even though it is not even serious and just for fun, I believe we really enjoy the idea of being able to teach! But of course, in reality a career in teaching might not be so smooth sailing as what we picture, the stress level might even be higher when all the politics, competition, student, parent issues come into play. Sooo.. I guess it is still just a dream at the moment! But I would not rule the possibility of me entering this line as of yet. As opposed to being a doctor, its totally out of my league since I have close to 0 tolerance for gore. In fact I am more afraid of gory movies than horror movies! I close my eyes each time, I get really really scared and goose-bumped.

Ok. Anyway today (Wednesday), was a very emotional day for me because something really bad and disastrous happened to me the day before (Tuesday). It is too personal and disgusting that I feel that I should not type the details here. In any case I feel extremely upset and emotional just thinking about it. I feel dirty and disgusted with myself - like what was I thinking seriously? It was me and my immature mentality, I actually thought of getting more experience in doing "it" because I think Mike rathers me being more experienced in it than being a newbie in this arena. Yup, so in the attempt to do so something really really bad and disgusting happened to me. The though of it makes me feel like breaking down. I wanna cry. I wanna talk to someone and tell someone about it. I wanna cry and tell Mike what happened. But I don't want him to see me in such a weak state. I can't let him see me being this crazy self all the time...

Today, I headed to St Patricks School to submit some documents for relief teaching because I was called up to leave my documents there in the event they need help. I had previously done the same for Anglican High School and Victoria School as well. I had no intention at all to go and peek at Mike, I really didn't. But of course deep down under I won't deny that a glimpse of him would certainly make my day. Unfortunately I did not even get to see him. I probably headed down too late. I went around 545pm to meet the person in charge at the canteen. Sat around for awhile and after a little chat it was 6pm. Soon I left the school, a little sad that I didn't get to see him. But what was I expecting anyway right? If I had seen him it might just give him the wrong idea, which I don't want. So thankfully I didn't meet him face to face.

Following that I went for dinner with my 2 friends from university. It was a great time of catching up but I guess I was a little emotionally distraught and was relatively quiet throughout the night. I guess they could sense it too, but neither knew what had happened to me. I blamed it on boredom at home and stress. I don't know what to do, I was thinking of Mike the whole night and how much I wanna tell him what had happened to me but I didn't even dare to sms him. He has since moved to Parc Emily which I probably would not have any access since its private property. As such I decided to head back to his old apartment to have some time for myself and seek some emotional comfort from within. I headed down at around 1015pm and made my way up to the 12 storey. And I literally sat at the stairway beside and cried. I broke down emotionally. I din know what to do, I don't even know what I'm doing at his house. He isn't even staying there anymore. I just needed some time for myself and somehow the atmosphere there made me feel very comforted. I plugged in my emo music and cried as I thought about everything that has happened over the past 1 month. I have been trying very hard to stop loving him to be honest, but I just can't do it. I know that deep down under I'm just living in denial, I really really do love him. I don't even think its an infatuation anymore, neither is it any form of lust. I just want his company, to be taken care of by him. Anyway the thoughts overwhelmed me and I just couldn't stop crying. It was pretty horrible, thankfully no one walked past. Even if anyone saw me I probably wouldn't know since I was just absorbed into my music and sad thoughts. It went on for about 30-45mins before I finally decided to go home. It was another cold windy night and my ankle was acting up again. It always works up at this time of the day, and it makes walking painful. My right ankle was in pain and I had to limp my way home again. In the end I gave up walking to the bus stop and I just flagged a cab home. It was too painful. I hate my leg. Why won't it recover fully, but I guess my heart is in a even worst state so I probably should not complain too much about my leg.

I have really tried my best to listen to Mike and stop loving him as of now. But I really can't do it. I tried meeting other guys as well but it just didn't work. I din even feel a single thing for them. I didn't have any fun with them as well, they were all just online chats, except for the one fateful incident yesterday which I do not want to think about. Sorry Mike, I'm so useless. I'm so helplessly in love with you that I don't even know what to do. I just wanna see you, I hope you would at least meet me for a meal for your birthday. These are my truthful thoughts, thanks for listening to me rattle my sorrows :(

Hope tomorrow would be a better day.

Gd night!

-Werd