Ellos! :)
I watched sherlock holmes today! Turns out it wasn't as nice as expected! I actually preferred MI4 or even alvin and the chipmunks?? haha. Yeah but one thing I liked about the show was the rampant use of british humour. amazing. haha. but I love american humour too, in particular the frequent usage of dumb blondes to crack jokes. anyway, the show was kinda draggy and the plot a little too shallow! I expected more from it and maybe a twist somewhere would be good? It was like since the start I had already knew who was the villian and all, so it didn't get to enticing!
After that, had an awesome dinner at thai express with my friend. I love tomyum! haha. the little mini steamboat was superrrr nice! following that, I then made my way to the airport to receive my close friend from his exchange program. haven't seen him in like 4mths+!! it was great seeing him and we will be meeting again tmr for a countdown! can't wait. though 2012 only spells doom for me I guess? work,honours,love... ahhh so much to think about. Just take one step at a time and don't think too far or too much, and keep it simple, slow and steady. Lessons from Mike. haha!
Speaking about Mike, the new year only reminds me about him. He said the earliest we could meet would only be next year, aka 2012. I dunno how i'm gonna arrange a meeting with him. I'm scared that he will think that i'm being clingy and obsessive again. What should I do? Wait for him to arrange something? Or take some initiative? :((( sad max. I still think about him a lot, like really a lot - just that today I was pretty busy throughout. hmm, anyway I gotta go sleep now! tomorrow is new year's eve so I'm gonna need lotsa energy!!
The next time I see you will be next year!! So here's wishing you a happy new year in advance!!! NIGHTY! :)
-Werd
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Hii, sorry for the crankiness yesterday. Today I woke up feeling better, first itinerary for the day was to head to parkway parade to try wearing contacts for the first time. I FREAKED OUT. I felt so disappointed with myself. 30mins and I still couldn't get even a single lens into my eye. I told the optician that I would come back another day when i'm more mentally prepared. I don't know, I didn't expect the pulling of eyelids and all to be so scary.. I was grabbing my pants the entire time and the optician could feel my nervousness. It was pretty bad and awkward. Thankfully there were no other customers in the shop. I will be heading down to parkway tomorrow again to try putting on the lenses. I do hope to succeed. I'm pretty tired of glasses. I think I look horrid in them :(
Anyway, after that I met my friend, lets call her X. Met her for lunch and we had a super HTHT for 3hrs. Just so you know, HTHT means heart to heart talk :) Yup. So it was a good time of catching up and stuff. Following that, I met another friend Y for dinner. It was my birthday treat from her. We had awesome ramen at clarke quay, followed by a super awesome dessert at laurent bernard. It was a chocolate souffle!! I have never really tasted a proper one in my life? The other times that i've tasted a choco souffle were probably the imitations, and fake ones people simply cook some random choc cake, put it into a bowl and term it a souffle. This very one itself took about 20mins to prepare, I knew I was in for a treat :) It tasted awesome!! I am definitely going there again. Plus, the ambience was amazing, I think it would be an ideal place I can introduce my partner to in future.
On the way home, I got a little emotional once again. But I guess its natural. When i'm alone I still think of Mike. I had this random thought and I asked myself the question: Do I regret my birthday wishes that were made? My answer still remains the same, absolutely no. I was glad I wished to see Mike again and I got it. If I could wish again for anymore birthday cakes, I would wish that I can hang out with him more again. I seriously wish for more opportunities to see him and be around him as his presence really comforts me emotionally. I haven't really really felt happy since last thursday - our fateful meeting at his void deck. I miss him.. I really do.. I don't know what else to say... What should I do? Or more like, what can I do?
Help :(
-Werd
Anyway, after that I met my friend, lets call her X. Met her for lunch and we had a super HTHT for 3hrs. Just so you know, HTHT means heart to heart talk :) Yup. So it was a good time of catching up and stuff. Following that, I met another friend Y for dinner. It was my birthday treat from her. We had awesome ramen at clarke quay, followed by a super awesome dessert at laurent bernard. It was a chocolate souffle!! I have never really tasted a proper one in my life? The other times that i've tasted a choco souffle were probably the imitations, and fake ones people simply cook some random choc cake, put it into a bowl and term it a souffle. This very one itself took about 20mins to prepare, I knew I was in for a treat :) It tasted awesome!! I am definitely going there again. Plus, the ambience was amazing, I think it would be an ideal place I can introduce my partner to in future.
On the way home, I got a little emotional once again. But I guess its natural. When i'm alone I still think of Mike. I had this random thought and I asked myself the question: Do I regret my birthday wishes that were made? My answer still remains the same, absolutely no. I was glad I wished to see Mike again and I got it. If I could wish again for anymore birthday cakes, I would wish that I can hang out with him more again. I seriously wish for more opportunities to see him and be around him as his presence really comforts me emotionally. I haven't really really felt happy since last thursday - our fateful meeting at his void deck. I miss him.. I really do.. I don't know what else to say... What should I do? Or more like, what can I do?
Help :(
-Werd
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I'm so sorry for blogging late today. I don't think I can tell you the story as well, regarding my 3rd crush. Today has been an awesome day, up until today. I managed to play tennis for 3hours despite some minor rain, and then had dinner with 2 of my female friends at orchard, it was 4hours of catching up and just chatting. Wonderful.
But sad to say, you won't believe what just happened to me. I think I had a panic attack, or a mental breakdown, I don't know. I just had this ultra surging feel of sadness that completely engulfed me and I felt like crying but the tears wont come out. I only teared a bit. But my thoughts went crazy and I actually hyperventilated a bit and just literally crumbled in the toilet. I have never felt this way before. I don't know what happen. It was scary. My mind was all over the place. I thought of Mike.. I thought of how he is with some other guy. I thought of how much he wishes I wasn't part of his life. I thought of how i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I thought of how sad I would be without Mike. I don't know, I just literally got swarmed in negativity. It went on for around 15mins until I told myself to really calm down and regroup. Mike promised me that he would still be around and he's not going anywhere. That's what I constantly told myself to reassure and allay my fears. I managed to calm down a little but I'm currently still feeling very emotional, and I'm actually tearing a little while typing this now. I am scared, really really scared of losing Mike even as a friend. I am afraid he doesn't contact me. I dont know.... I don't know what to do.. I don't want to scare him off. I cannot let him know that i'm having such episodes of depression and mental breakdown because of him. Its not his fault, its mine and my poor emotional thresholds. I love him and I don't want to be a burden to him, a healthy relationship should not be like that. I don't want to be feeling this way!!
I guess this whole episode just tells me that the past few days of trying to put him at the back of my mind did not actually work, and my mental volcano actually erupted today I guess. I need to regroup my thoughts and try my best to stay strong within this period. At least until Mike finally contacts me, I don't want to appear so cheap and like a pest to him to constantly be the one initiating messages. I know the day he initiates a conversation with me would make me extremely happy. I'm really afraid of breaking down again. I don't want to.. I'm sorry Mike.. I'm so so so sorry I'm so emotionally and mentally weak.. i'm such a lovesick blob of crap. I need to sleep now, I hope I don't get insomnia. Sorry for the lousy post today and thanks for listening to me rant. I'm still pretty affected by the episode just now.
-Werd
But sad to say, you won't believe what just happened to me. I think I had a panic attack, or a mental breakdown, I don't know. I just had this ultra surging feel of sadness that completely engulfed me and I felt like crying but the tears wont come out. I only teared a bit. But my thoughts went crazy and I actually hyperventilated a bit and just literally crumbled in the toilet. I have never felt this way before. I don't know what happen. It was scary. My mind was all over the place. I thought of Mike.. I thought of how he is with some other guy. I thought of how much he wishes I wasn't part of his life. I thought of how i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I thought of how sad I would be without Mike. I don't know, I just literally got swarmed in negativity. It went on for around 15mins until I told myself to really calm down and regroup. Mike promised me that he would still be around and he's not going anywhere. That's what I constantly told myself to reassure and allay my fears. I managed to calm down a little but I'm currently still feeling very emotional, and I'm actually tearing a little while typing this now. I am scared, really really scared of losing Mike even as a friend. I am afraid he doesn't contact me. I dont know.... I don't know what to do.. I don't want to scare him off. I cannot let him know that i'm having such episodes of depression and mental breakdown because of him. Its not his fault, its mine and my poor emotional thresholds. I love him and I don't want to be a burden to him, a healthy relationship should not be like that. I don't want to be feeling this way!!
I guess this whole episode just tells me that the past few days of trying to put him at the back of my mind did not actually work, and my mental volcano actually erupted today I guess. I need to regroup my thoughts and try my best to stay strong within this period. At least until Mike finally contacts me, I don't want to appear so cheap and like a pest to him to constantly be the one initiating messages. I know the day he initiates a conversation with me would make me extremely happy. I'm really afraid of breaking down again. I don't want to.. I'm sorry Mike.. I'm so so so sorry I'm so emotionally and mentally weak.. i'm such a lovesick blob of crap. I need to sleep now, I hope I don't get insomnia. Sorry for the lousy post today and thanks for listening to me rant. I'm still pretty affected by the episode just now.
-Werd
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Headed to the Driving Centre today and gosh I actually got lost on my way there, to think I live so near the Ubi one and i've given so many of my friends directions there before. Yet I still took the wrong bus and walked the wrong direction :\ Anyway I finally got there and it was the most horrendous queue ever. The place was like super ultra mega packed and I actually queued for 4hrs just to register for the basic driving test. Oh goshh, anyway I will be learning auto and by a private instructor as I want to get my license asap. I think I will not do well for manual as my daytona always crashes when I play it in the arcade. haha!
Anyway when I was there I got to witness an ugly singaporean making a fuss because her queue ticket was screwed up due to some machine fault. The person tried to calm her down and told her to wait for 10mins but she wouldn't stop yelling. I felt so sorry for the service personnel. Eventually the manager came out and attended to her personally, but I could tell the manager was also extremely pissed, as he was giving her a black face throughout the session.
I got to sit beside some NSFs who just ord-ed and I was listening to them talk about JC stuff as well as army stuff. Brings back so much memories. I actually miss my JC days a lot! One of them was from TJC as well, my JC. haha. I'M SO OLDDD already and i'm still single, wish someone would want me soon :( I'm all ready to commit and devote my time to the person I love. I know I can make it work!
Soon it was night and I headed to town by myself as I had nothing to do and no activities planned as well. I initially headed to Clarke Quay, but ended up eventually at Chinatown. I still believe that our Singapore Chinatown is over touristy and a little messy! As compared to the ones in Canada. Oh yah just so you know, I went for exchange at Montreal, and i've seen the chinatowns of Montreal itself, New York as well as even places like Toronto! And I must say the Chinatowns in such countries are much more awesome and really feels more chinese with really authentic chinese food.
Anyway nothing much to write about my night as I simply walked around aimlessly and just thought about a lot of issues. Actually 2 main issues that are constricting my thoughts now - Work and Love. Firstly, I don't know if I should graduate as I have a pending job offer now, but that would mean that I would lose my opportunity to complete my honours degree :( It has been a super controversial internal debate within my head. I have even penned down all the pros and cons of each alternative but I still have no definite answer. I guess there is no correct answer to it? Having an honours degree might not gurantee you something good in future. Similarly, having a headstart in your career might not also gurantee you proper promotions and doing well in future as well. I guess it all boils down to opportunities, work performance and a bit of luck i guess. So... I have about a week more to decide and I hope I will fixate my decision soon. Most importantly, I must tell myself that no matter what I choose, no one else must be blamed and most importantly, even myself - No regrets!
Secondly, yarr love. Walking alone the streets have made me think of a lot of issues regarding love as well. It made me thought of how irrational I was in liking people previously - i'm not referring to Mike fyi. I remember it all started out when I was 17, I actually liked this person whom I did not even know, till now! I had such a heavy crush that I got so emotionally depressed and dejected, that i couldn't even study properly and I felt sad all the time. That was when I truly experience heartaches. But it did not take long before it subsided, as as a matter of fact, I really did not know the person and seriously nothing can be done.
Subsequently, came another person in my life. He was in my course during JC, taking the same combination and we met and became closer as we played a common game. Eventually we hit it off really well and became super best of friends! We did everything together, study, gaming, and would never fail to update each other on our lives. I remember the first day we both dreadfully entered NS and headed to Tekong, he actually rang me up to talk before calling his parents. I felt so honoured and previledged. I liked him. I know it. Does he like me? I don't know what he sees me as, but I know we share an extremely strong bond. Things went pretty well subsequently up to a point where I think he felt I became a little reactive. We started to argue a little and he said that I was losing it. At that point of time I was posted to a rifle unit after my BMT and I was really down. I cried to myself every night - even my bunk buddy would console me. However when I told this person how I felt and how down I was, he seemed to think that I was weak and over reacting and very soon he got sick and tired of my nonsense. In the end, our bond broke and we became like normal friends, with a barrier. How sad right? :( Till today, we hardly talk anymore, but we are still facebook friends and do occasionally message each other and stuff. I still make the effort to check up what's going on in his life as I truly do still treat him as a special friend, afterall I did like him in the past. I hope he did too, I wish we could still be friends and talk on normal terms.
Alright, then there was another person who came into my life when I was 20 but I shan't type it now. I shall leave that story to tomorrow. Its another really heart wrenching one, but I guess it was me and my stupid self again. haha. Anyway, after liking all these people, I have come to a conclusion regarding the type of guys that I would fall for. Firstly, they usually look more physically and are actually more intellectually mature, and that is why I wouldn't mind a much older guy as a partner as they are generally very caring and considerate. Secondly, they are pretty serious and are not really extroverted. I have a thing for people who are mildly introverted I guess, as I believe they make good soul mates and partners. They are excellent friends on a 1-1 basis. Last but not least, looks does not really matter at all. I realized that I don't even care how they look and to begin with, they weren't some super good looking person or what. The feelings of lust for them only came in subsequently, I truly liked them because of how they treated me and how they behaved as persons - mature and caring. Yup I guess that's all i'm looking for in a partner. Regarding myself, I know I can get quite soft, weak and immature as well as blur at times. But deep down under, I believe one of my greatest strengths is my compassion and ability to care for others at the expense of going out of my comfort zones. The fact that I might get blur/immature sometimes renders a need for me to find someone mature to improve this aspect of mine. Overtime, I want to learn and no matter how blur I am, to my partner, I want to make sure that I do not screw up the relationship and be understanding of his needs and always be there for him. That is my goal and what I want to achieve. I hope someone gives me the chance to do so, I really want to try the feeling of loving and to be loved.
Alright, that's all for my post tonight. Its 5am and I'm heading to bed now! I gurantee you the story about my 3rd crush/love tomorrow. But for tonight and for the near future, my only love is Mike and I know it clearly and deep down under. But of course I will only continue loving him as much only after getting to know him better - like he said :) Hope to see him really really soon!
Nights!
-Werd
Anyway when I was there I got to witness an ugly singaporean making a fuss because her queue ticket was screwed up due to some machine fault. The person tried to calm her down and told her to wait for 10mins but she wouldn't stop yelling. I felt so sorry for the service personnel. Eventually the manager came out and attended to her personally, but I could tell the manager was also extremely pissed, as he was giving her a black face throughout the session.
I got to sit beside some NSFs who just ord-ed and I was listening to them talk about JC stuff as well as army stuff. Brings back so much memories. I actually miss my JC days a lot! One of them was from TJC as well, my JC. haha. I'M SO OLDDD already and i'm still single, wish someone would want me soon :( I'm all ready to commit and devote my time to the person I love. I know I can make it work!
Soon it was night and I headed to town by myself as I had nothing to do and no activities planned as well. I initially headed to Clarke Quay, but ended up eventually at Chinatown. I still believe that our Singapore Chinatown is over touristy and a little messy! As compared to the ones in Canada. Oh yah just so you know, I went for exchange at Montreal, and i've seen the chinatowns of Montreal itself, New York as well as even places like Toronto! And I must say the Chinatowns in such countries are much more awesome and really feels more chinese with really authentic chinese food.
Anyway nothing much to write about my night as I simply walked around aimlessly and just thought about a lot of issues. Actually 2 main issues that are constricting my thoughts now - Work and Love. Firstly, I don't know if I should graduate as I have a pending job offer now, but that would mean that I would lose my opportunity to complete my honours degree :( It has been a super controversial internal debate within my head. I have even penned down all the pros and cons of each alternative but I still have no definite answer. I guess there is no correct answer to it? Having an honours degree might not gurantee you something good in future. Similarly, having a headstart in your career might not also gurantee you proper promotions and doing well in future as well. I guess it all boils down to opportunities, work performance and a bit of luck i guess. So... I have about a week more to decide and I hope I will fixate my decision soon. Most importantly, I must tell myself that no matter what I choose, no one else must be blamed and most importantly, even myself - No regrets!
Secondly, yarr love. Walking alone the streets have made me think of a lot of issues regarding love as well. It made me thought of how irrational I was in liking people previously - i'm not referring to Mike fyi. I remember it all started out when I was 17, I actually liked this person whom I did not even know, till now! I had such a heavy crush that I got so emotionally depressed and dejected, that i couldn't even study properly and I felt sad all the time. That was when I truly experience heartaches. But it did not take long before it subsided, as as a matter of fact, I really did not know the person and seriously nothing can be done.
Subsequently, came another person in my life. He was in my course during JC, taking the same combination and we met and became closer as we played a common game. Eventually we hit it off really well and became super best of friends! We did everything together, study, gaming, and would never fail to update each other on our lives. I remember the first day we both dreadfully entered NS and headed to Tekong, he actually rang me up to talk before calling his parents. I felt so honoured and previledged. I liked him. I know it. Does he like me? I don't know what he sees me as, but I know we share an extremely strong bond. Things went pretty well subsequently up to a point where I think he felt I became a little reactive. We started to argue a little and he said that I was losing it. At that point of time I was posted to a rifle unit after my BMT and I was really down. I cried to myself every night - even my bunk buddy would console me. However when I told this person how I felt and how down I was, he seemed to think that I was weak and over reacting and very soon he got sick and tired of my nonsense. In the end, our bond broke and we became like normal friends, with a barrier. How sad right? :( Till today, we hardly talk anymore, but we are still facebook friends and do occasionally message each other and stuff. I still make the effort to check up what's going on in his life as I truly do still treat him as a special friend, afterall I did like him in the past. I hope he did too, I wish we could still be friends and talk on normal terms.
Alright, then there was another person who came into my life when I was 20 but I shan't type it now. I shall leave that story to tomorrow. Its another really heart wrenching one, but I guess it was me and my stupid self again. haha. Anyway, after liking all these people, I have come to a conclusion regarding the type of guys that I would fall for. Firstly, they usually look more physically and are actually more intellectually mature, and that is why I wouldn't mind a much older guy as a partner as they are generally very caring and considerate. Secondly, they are pretty serious and are not really extroverted. I have a thing for people who are mildly introverted I guess, as I believe they make good soul mates and partners. They are excellent friends on a 1-1 basis. Last but not least, looks does not really matter at all. I realized that I don't even care how they look and to begin with, they weren't some super good looking person or what. The feelings of lust for them only came in subsequently, I truly liked them because of how they treated me and how they behaved as persons - mature and caring. Yup I guess that's all i'm looking for in a partner. Regarding myself, I know I can get quite soft, weak and immature as well as blur at times. But deep down under, I believe one of my greatest strengths is my compassion and ability to care for others at the expense of going out of my comfort zones. The fact that I might get blur/immature sometimes renders a need for me to find someone mature to improve this aspect of mine. Overtime, I want to learn and no matter how blur I am, to my partner, I want to make sure that I do not screw up the relationship and be understanding of his needs and always be there for him. That is my goal and what I want to achieve. I hope someone gives me the chance to do so, I really want to try the feeling of loving and to be loved.
Alright, that's all for my post tonight. Its 5am and I'm heading to bed now! I gurantee you the story about my 3rd crush/love tomorrow. But for tonight and for the near future, my only love is Mike and I know it clearly and deep down under. But of course I will only continue loving him as much only after getting to know him better - like he said :) Hope to see him really really soon!
Nights!
-Werd
Monday, December 26, 2011
Today was Boxing Day and it was a pretty topsy turvy day for me today I must say?
My plan for today was to head to the Driving Centre to register and sign up for my BTT, followed by heading for a haircut and some shopping before heading down to a christmas gathering at night.
Unfortunately, my phone took ages to charge as I forgot to charge it the night before, and before I knew it it was already 3pm. Which meant I had only time to do one activity before heading to the party. Guess what I chose? Haircut of course!
I made my way to parkway parade and got my haircut. Prior to cutting, I told the hairdresser that I wanted my hair short and thin, but not too short. But most importantly, I told her I wanted to keep my side burns. I remember Mike said he liked my side burns on the first day we met :) Soon, I got my haircut done pretty quickly without much waiting. Love my short and spikey hair :)
Soon after, turns out I did more than just a haircut! I then headed to Dome Cafe for afternoon tea while writing some christmas cards for the people at the party later. Yes I know, I went to Dome Cafe for a reason - to relive the moment I had the other time with Mike. If he had not introduced this place to me, I would probably be chilling at some other more conventional coffee places like Starbucks or something. Anyway, turns out I really like the place! Guess what i ordered? NO! not the drink I had the other time that Mike ordered for me. I'm not really a coffee person (but this does not mean I don't drink coffee at all!!), so i ordered tea - my favourite Earl Grey Tea. The biscotti that came with it tasted awesome!! I remember Mike offered his biscuit to me the other time because I resisted the cheesecake due to my cheese intolerance. Arghh I feel so bad, should have just told him straight that I don't eat cheese the minute he tried to order something for me. The taste of the biscotti did in a way, remind me of the previous meeting I had with him and I missed that feeling, that warmth :( even though I was ironically freezing the other day as I had just ran in the rain and the air conditioning was not helping me as well.
Next, being the adventurous me, I decided to try out something new again. Guess what, I went to make a pair of contact lenses. Like how random can i get! The optician was really nice and friendly I felt so safe in her hands, haha. To be honest I still don't get how they test your eyesight altering the lenses, blocking out your left/right eye and asking you to read the alphabets, because sometimes I do simply guess the alphabets and it might jollywell be my lucky day! But of course if its really blur, I do voice it out. But on several occasions it might just be ambigiously blur you know, like distinguising 3 and 8. I guess that's how they categorize astigmatism if i'm not wrong. Anyway, I have a supreme fear of touching the eyeballs, I seriously don't know how i'm going to cope putting on the lenses on thursday! She did some eye testing for me using this machine which pushes your eye bags down to view the area under your eye balls. omg I felt so eye-raped. It felt uncomfortable and like something was in me at the wrong place and arghh I'm really worried about putting the actual lenses on!! Help!! :'( I might just freak out!
Ok, soon it was time to head to the party. The party started off great! We had food packet-ed from a market at Bedok, our favourite haunt! Everyone from the east side should know this place! Awesome food, especially for supper! Soon it was time for gift exchange. I was extremely lucky in my opinion, I won the biggest present in terms of size! Haha, a mini pool table from mini toons! yay! Unfortunately, I think I bought a really crappy gift. My friend who got my gift seemed unimpressed and disappointed. I felt extremely bad. I know its the season of giving and I do believe people should be appreciative no matter what. However his actions did not seem appreciative at all. Nevertheless I can only blame myself for getting such a crappy gift :( I bought hair dye - a suggestion from my friend. Should have stuck to what I believed in, getting a souvenir or something safer like maybe a mug or facial/body products or something. I was pretty affected by it throughout the entire night. Even during the subsequent cake cutting ceremony to celebrate me and my other friend's birthday, I appeared happy but I was actually feeling really down. I felt as though the other guy who got my present was upset or something and I wanted to just bury myself somewhere. Argh, typical introvert mechanism right? I think i'm such a super introvert. But finally, everything was completed - cakes eaten, pictures taken. We just sat there and soon it was time to head home. In a way, I did feel relieved to leave the scene as I was utterly disappointed with both myself as well as how today turned out.
On my way home I wished I could talk to someone about this, I probably needed someone to turn to. I did not dare tell my friends who were present there about how I felt as they might think that I'm thinking too much and over reacting, or simply trying to evade the fault of getting a crappy gift. I did not want to appear gossipy/bitchy. I very much wanted to sms Mike and tell him that I'm feeling down and if possible, lend me a listening ear :( But I knew that was wishful thinking for 2 reasons. 1. He probably would think that I'm kicking up a fuss over nothing again and giving him unnecessary pressure to respond to me. 2. Its 12am and he's probably already sound asleep and I should not disturb him as he might be working tomorrow as well. He needs to fine tune his body clock in preparation for the commencement of school.
I'll get by! Its been nights like these - lonely, silent and full of self reflection, and I've been though them all. Once again I just hope to sleep quickly and forget my sorrows! Tomorrow would be a better day I hope!! Although I'm not optimistic - as I have nothing planned other than heading to the driving school to register for a license. But, lets just leave that to tomorrow. Mike told me not to think of what ifs, as well as think too much and be more patient with what's to come. That is what I will do and hence I shall just await what tomorrow brings. Let's just hope its good news :)
Till then, good night man :)
-Werd
My plan for today was to head to the Driving Centre to register and sign up for my BTT, followed by heading for a haircut and some shopping before heading down to a christmas gathering at night.
Unfortunately, my phone took ages to charge as I forgot to charge it the night before, and before I knew it it was already 3pm. Which meant I had only time to do one activity before heading to the party. Guess what I chose? Haircut of course!
I made my way to parkway parade and got my haircut. Prior to cutting, I told the hairdresser that I wanted my hair short and thin, but not too short. But most importantly, I told her I wanted to keep my side burns. I remember Mike said he liked my side burns on the first day we met :) Soon, I got my haircut done pretty quickly without much waiting. Love my short and spikey hair :)
Soon after, turns out I did more than just a haircut! I then headed to Dome Cafe for afternoon tea while writing some christmas cards for the people at the party later. Yes I know, I went to Dome Cafe for a reason - to relive the moment I had the other time with Mike. If he had not introduced this place to me, I would probably be chilling at some other more conventional coffee places like Starbucks or something. Anyway, turns out I really like the place! Guess what i ordered? NO! not the drink I had the other time that Mike ordered for me. I'm not really a coffee person (but this does not mean I don't drink coffee at all!!), so i ordered tea - my favourite Earl Grey Tea. The biscotti that came with it tasted awesome!! I remember Mike offered his biscuit to me the other time because I resisted the cheesecake due to my cheese intolerance. Arghh I feel so bad, should have just told him straight that I don't eat cheese the minute he tried to order something for me. The taste of the biscotti did in a way, remind me of the previous meeting I had with him and I missed that feeling, that warmth :( even though I was ironically freezing the other day as I had just ran in the rain and the air conditioning was not helping me as well.
Next, being the adventurous me, I decided to try out something new again. Guess what, I went to make a pair of contact lenses. Like how random can i get! The optician was really nice and friendly I felt so safe in her hands, haha. To be honest I still don't get how they test your eyesight altering the lenses, blocking out your left/right eye and asking you to read the alphabets, because sometimes I do simply guess the alphabets and it might jollywell be my lucky day! But of course if its really blur, I do voice it out. But on several occasions it might just be ambigiously blur you know, like distinguising 3 and 8. I guess that's how they categorize astigmatism if i'm not wrong. Anyway, I have a supreme fear of touching the eyeballs, I seriously don't know how i'm going to cope putting on the lenses on thursday! She did some eye testing for me using this machine which pushes your eye bags down to view the area under your eye balls. omg I felt so eye-raped. It felt uncomfortable and like something was in me at the wrong place and arghh I'm really worried about putting the actual lenses on!! Help!! :'( I might just freak out!
Ok, soon it was time to head to the party. The party started off great! We had food packet-ed from a market at Bedok, our favourite haunt! Everyone from the east side should know this place! Awesome food, especially for supper! Soon it was time for gift exchange. I was extremely lucky in my opinion, I won the biggest present in terms of size! Haha, a mini pool table from mini toons! yay! Unfortunately, I think I bought a really crappy gift. My friend who got my gift seemed unimpressed and disappointed. I felt extremely bad. I know its the season of giving and I do believe people should be appreciative no matter what. However his actions did not seem appreciative at all. Nevertheless I can only blame myself for getting such a crappy gift :( I bought hair dye - a suggestion from my friend. Should have stuck to what I believed in, getting a souvenir or something safer like maybe a mug or facial/body products or something. I was pretty affected by it throughout the entire night. Even during the subsequent cake cutting ceremony to celebrate me and my other friend's birthday, I appeared happy but I was actually feeling really down. I felt as though the other guy who got my present was upset or something and I wanted to just bury myself somewhere. Argh, typical introvert mechanism right? I think i'm such a super introvert. But finally, everything was completed - cakes eaten, pictures taken. We just sat there and soon it was time to head home. In a way, I did feel relieved to leave the scene as I was utterly disappointed with both myself as well as how today turned out.
On my way home I wished I could talk to someone about this, I probably needed someone to turn to. I did not dare tell my friends who were present there about how I felt as they might think that I'm thinking too much and over reacting, or simply trying to evade the fault of getting a crappy gift. I did not want to appear gossipy/bitchy. I very much wanted to sms Mike and tell him that I'm feeling down and if possible, lend me a listening ear :( But I knew that was wishful thinking for 2 reasons. 1. He probably would think that I'm kicking up a fuss over nothing again and giving him unnecessary pressure to respond to me. 2. Its 12am and he's probably already sound asleep and I should not disturb him as he might be working tomorrow as well. He needs to fine tune his body clock in preparation for the commencement of school.
I'll get by! Its been nights like these - lonely, silent and full of self reflection, and I've been though them all. Once again I just hope to sleep quickly and forget my sorrows! Tomorrow would be a better day I hope!! Although I'm not optimistic - as I have nothing planned other than heading to the driving school to register for a license. But, lets just leave that to tomorrow. Mike told me not to think of what ifs, as well as think too much and be more patient with what's to come. That is what I will do and hence I shall just await what tomorrow brings. Let's just hope its good news :)
Till then, good night man :)
-Werd
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Hello hello! Today is Christmas Day itself. I had nothing planned at all the entire day. Gahh, as usual I woke up feeling empty again, and I was thinking about Mike. I actually woke up at around 11am, and first thing I did was to check my phone, to see if Mike replied my message. I was a little disappointed to see no reply at first, but I already told myself that I just wanted to wish him a merry xmas from the bottom of my heart, and that I'm not doing it for the sake of getting a reply from him as much as I wished that it would be an opportunity for us to exchange messages.
I wanted to continue drowning myself in slumber but I couldn't get back to sleep as much as I wanted to. I tossed for a while and decided to get up to get the day started. I was just doing the usual, using the computer, surfing the net for awhile. Then I decided I have to leave the house. As I left the house, Mike replied me a merry xmas as well! I was overwhelmed and happy. I was tempted to keep the conversation going by asking him how he spent his xmas but I was afraid he would think that I am asking too much and hence I dropped the idea :( I hope he did not spend it with some other person :'( omg dont think dont think!! :'((
Anyway, I was expecting a lonely lonely christmas day by myself but thankfully it did not happen! I made my way to Plaza Singapura's starbucks for a light snack and a coffee to start the day off. Suddenly, a stranger came and ask if he could sit with me as the place was pretty crowded. After a few instances of awkward silences, we began chatting and we actually chatted for 3 whole hours! Apparently he was a law student studying at the University of Manchester, and was concurrently doing a psychology major in NUS as well. i was like WOW. omg. and i'm just an accountant. haha. However, the conversation progressed as he shared with me his familial problems, and how he hasn't been back home for 4 years. I kinda felt sorry for him, there were some other details he told me that I shouldn't post them here. He was even involved in a near death experience - a car crash. I was like wow- he's life was so intriguing. In fact, he was actually a national badminton team player who is apparently a pretty high flyer. He has actually even had pictures taken with the Queen and King of Kelantan or something? Woww and I'm actually talking to this person so randomly and out of the blue on a expected lonely christmas. What more could I ask for. We exchanged contacts after and we even had a fruitful whatsapp conversation throughout the rest of the day. What a nice new friend :)
Went for dinner with my family later before heading home. I did the usual after, playing computer games and then finally ending the day with a fruitful video conference with my friend who was overseas. Gahh I felt better.
But now once again, its the lonely night and my pre-sleep moodiness. It happens every night. Its the time i take to self reflect and ask myself what do I actually want? Why am I feeling so empty? And that is why I'm actually writing this blog, to keep myself occupied so avoid the issue, because I know there can only be 1 answer but its wrong to feel that way and I know it. Its simply irrational. I am still thinking of Mike. I do hope to really see him soon.. I miss him a lot :'( Its going to be a cold lonely night to sleep again.. I hope i get to sleep really fast.. Talk to you tomorrow again!
-Werd
I wanted to continue drowning myself in slumber but I couldn't get back to sleep as much as I wanted to. I tossed for a while and decided to get up to get the day started. I was just doing the usual, using the computer, surfing the net for awhile. Then I decided I have to leave the house. As I left the house, Mike replied me a merry xmas as well! I was overwhelmed and happy. I was tempted to keep the conversation going by asking him how he spent his xmas but I was afraid he would think that I am asking too much and hence I dropped the idea :( I hope he did not spend it with some other person :'( omg dont think dont think!! :'((
Anyway, I was expecting a lonely lonely christmas day by myself but thankfully it did not happen! I made my way to Plaza Singapura's starbucks for a light snack and a coffee to start the day off. Suddenly, a stranger came and ask if he could sit with me as the place was pretty crowded. After a few instances of awkward silences, we began chatting and we actually chatted for 3 whole hours! Apparently he was a law student studying at the University of Manchester, and was concurrently doing a psychology major in NUS as well. i was like WOW. omg. and i'm just an accountant. haha. However, the conversation progressed as he shared with me his familial problems, and how he hasn't been back home for 4 years. I kinda felt sorry for him, there were some other details he told me that I shouldn't post them here. He was even involved in a near death experience - a car crash. I was like wow- he's life was so intriguing. In fact, he was actually a national badminton team player who is apparently a pretty high flyer. He has actually even had pictures taken with the Queen and King of Kelantan or something? Woww and I'm actually talking to this person so randomly and out of the blue on a expected lonely christmas. What more could I ask for. We exchanged contacts after and we even had a fruitful whatsapp conversation throughout the rest of the day. What a nice new friend :)
Went for dinner with my family later before heading home. I did the usual after, playing computer games and then finally ending the day with a fruitful video conference with my friend who was overseas. Gahh I felt better.
But now once again, its the lonely night and my pre-sleep moodiness. It happens every night. Its the time i take to self reflect and ask myself what do I actually want? Why am I feeling so empty? And that is why I'm actually writing this blog, to keep myself occupied so avoid the issue, because I know there can only be 1 answer but its wrong to feel that way and I know it. Its simply irrational. I am still thinking of Mike. I do hope to really see him soon.. I miss him a lot :'( Its going to be a cold lonely night to sleep again.. I hope i get to sleep really fast.. Talk to you tomorrow again!
-Werd
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Hello again. Its 3:12am and its 3hours into Christmas already! Probably the season that I can't wait for to arrive every year. My birthday was today as well, actually it was yesterday, the 24th.
The day did not start out very well. I had a dream about working, and it wasn't pleasant. I was kinda happy I woke up from it, but I know that the reality of working will befall me sooner or later, especially if I decide to graduate after the coming Semester. I couldn't help but worry about the question again: study more or enter the workforce?
But that aside, waking up in the cold gloomy rainy weather made me feel a little depressed and lonely. I thought of Mike again, how nice it would be if I could wake up in his arms and cuddle and have a nice morning chat. Extremely unhealthy thoughts, but I shall be truthful here and that was what I was thinking of at that very instant. I knew I was missing him again, I seriously think about him all the time. In the semi depressed state I did not know what to do, I had no activities planned for the day, my birthday party cum christmas gathering only starts at around 6pm. This is bad as when I have nothing on I only think of Mike and I get all sad and moody. I decided to get out of the house and do some shopping alone to keep my mind occupied till then.
I made my way to parkway parade for lunch first. Guess where I stopped by first? I popped by Dome Cafe to reminisce the afternoon tea I had there with Mike on our 2nd meeting. I was hoping he would be there once again, reading his book and enjoying a cuppa. But I knew that was wishful thinking, why would he be there alone on a Christmas Eve? And as very expected, he was obviously nowhere to be seen. I then went to Yoshinoya for lunch, eating my favourite student saver meal, which was pretty cheap and good. Soon after, I walked around Parkway a little more, but it was getting kinda boring and so I left, and made my way to Katong 112, the new mall.
I have never been there. I was a little excited. The mall turned out pretty nice, much better than Nex at least, which is seriously messy! I entered a soft toy shop and bought myself a stuffed porcupine which was super duper freaking cute. If only Mike gave me one for my Christmas right? haha, I would certainly love it as much as I love him. Then after, I decided to shop for a gift for my Christmas gathering on Monday. I had absolutely no idea what to buy! I went into this shop and it was filled with stuff that way exceeded the budget, or kinky/drinking games items like Kama Sutra dice?? No way i'm getting that for my friends omg, what if a girl gets it. Haha. Hmm, saw this happy therapy ball that said "come to me when you are in despair and I will answer all your questions". I thought it was kinda cute, but maybe only I could relate to it, as you know I was in a pretty depressed state. Hence I dropped the idea of getting it for others, the only way I'm getting it is if i'm giving it to myself, but it was a little pricey. Eventually, I ended up getting hair dye as a present, yeah an idea from my other friend. I do hope she does not get it during the exchange :\ Next I went to GongCha and got my favourite drink(s), taro milk and normal milk tea without pearl, for my indulgence later in the day. Then it was time to head home. I was feeling a little better, but of course the entire time I was thinking that it would be so awesome if it could be Mike accompanying me during the day, spending my birthday with me :(
I went home and took a little nap. The sound of relatives coming into the house woke me up, and I was feeling very very moody. I felt like crying, I was missing him again. BUT I PROMISED HIM I WILL KEEP MY WORD TO RULE #3. I decided to head to the toilet to regroup my emotions. I went under the showerhead and cried out, and told myself that I have to be strong, and be emotionally stable to socialize and be welcoming to my relatives. It took me 15mins, and after crying I felt better. After a nice warm shower I decided to head out to greet my relatives.
It turned out pretty well, I managed to keep a smile and talk to my cousins and uncles/aunties that I haven't seen for weeks or months to catch up on each other's lives. It was an awesome party actually. The nephews/nieces that were present were extremely cute and well behaved! They made me smile a lot. I left Mike at the back of my head for a while and did my best to enjoy the party, and have a wonderful birthday/christmas party. I succeeded in rule #3, as promised to Mike! :)
Soon everyone left, and I opened my presents, though mostly angbaos. The gifts were good, but obviously the excitement depreciates every year as I grow older. I guess it just gets harder to get gifts for people when they grow up, as compared to when I was a kid :) But it actually isn't hard to make me happy with a gift, as long as it is something cute like a collectible or shiny like Swarvoski? Yar I have a thing for super nice crystals! Nice clothings would be a good too, but I guess its hard to buy clothes for others!
Anyway, now I'm all alone once again. My family is asleep and its just me having some time for myself on this peaceful Christmas night. I still miss Mike. Sigh.. Smsed him a Merry Xmas the minute the clock struck 12 but there was no reply :( Maybe he's asleep.. or spending Xmas with someone else? (AHHH.. the thought of it makes my heart drop) OKOK.. don't think about it. I just hope he at least replies me to wish me back or something, am sure that would make me contented and happy at least for a while. I really do hope to see him soon. I miss him a lot and I wanna talk to him. I hope he had/will be having a nice Christmas celebration with his close friends or family (he really loves his nephews a lot!). It has been 23years of my life, and my dream christmas is to be with the person I love (Mike?), sitting by a christmas tree, enjoying each other's company and probably a nice cup of warm hot chocolate. After that I would just wanna sleep in his arms, all the way till the Christmas morning. How nice would that be :((
OK. enough talking its time for me to sign off. I will be back soon. In the meantime I wish Mike a super merry xmas, and I would try to enjoy this festive season as well and abide by his rules. I am not a fool, and I still strongly believe Mike is my gold.
-Werd
The day did not start out very well. I had a dream about working, and it wasn't pleasant. I was kinda happy I woke up from it, but I know that the reality of working will befall me sooner or later, especially if I decide to graduate after the coming Semester. I couldn't help but worry about the question again: study more or enter the workforce?
But that aside, waking up in the cold gloomy rainy weather made me feel a little depressed and lonely. I thought of Mike again, how nice it would be if I could wake up in his arms and cuddle and have a nice morning chat. Extremely unhealthy thoughts, but I shall be truthful here and that was what I was thinking of at that very instant. I knew I was missing him again, I seriously think about him all the time. In the semi depressed state I did not know what to do, I had no activities planned for the day, my birthday party cum christmas gathering only starts at around 6pm. This is bad as when I have nothing on I only think of Mike and I get all sad and moody. I decided to get out of the house and do some shopping alone to keep my mind occupied till then.
I made my way to parkway parade for lunch first. Guess where I stopped by first? I popped by Dome Cafe to reminisce the afternoon tea I had there with Mike on our 2nd meeting. I was hoping he would be there once again, reading his book and enjoying a cuppa. But I knew that was wishful thinking, why would he be there alone on a Christmas Eve? And as very expected, he was obviously nowhere to be seen. I then went to Yoshinoya for lunch, eating my favourite student saver meal, which was pretty cheap and good. Soon after, I walked around Parkway a little more, but it was getting kinda boring and so I left, and made my way to Katong 112, the new mall.
I have never been there. I was a little excited. The mall turned out pretty nice, much better than Nex at least, which is seriously messy! I entered a soft toy shop and bought myself a stuffed porcupine which was super duper freaking cute. If only Mike gave me one for my Christmas right? haha, I would certainly love it as much as I love him. Then after, I decided to shop for a gift for my Christmas gathering on Monday. I had absolutely no idea what to buy! I went into this shop and it was filled with stuff that way exceeded the budget, or kinky/drinking games items like Kama Sutra dice?? No way i'm getting that for my friends omg, what if a girl gets it. Haha. Hmm, saw this happy therapy ball that said "come to me when you are in despair and I will answer all your questions". I thought it was kinda cute, but maybe only I could relate to it, as you know I was in a pretty depressed state. Hence I dropped the idea of getting it for others, the only way I'm getting it is if i'm giving it to myself, but it was a little pricey. Eventually, I ended up getting hair dye as a present, yeah an idea from my other friend. I do hope she does not get it during the exchange :\ Next I went to GongCha and got my favourite drink(s), taro milk and normal milk tea without pearl, for my indulgence later in the day. Then it was time to head home. I was feeling a little better, but of course the entire time I was thinking that it would be so awesome if it could be Mike accompanying me during the day, spending my birthday with me :(
I went home and took a little nap. The sound of relatives coming into the house woke me up, and I was feeling very very moody. I felt like crying, I was missing him again. BUT I PROMISED HIM I WILL KEEP MY WORD TO RULE #3. I decided to head to the toilet to regroup my emotions. I went under the showerhead and cried out, and told myself that I have to be strong, and be emotionally stable to socialize and be welcoming to my relatives. It took me 15mins, and after crying I felt better. After a nice warm shower I decided to head out to greet my relatives.
It turned out pretty well, I managed to keep a smile and talk to my cousins and uncles/aunties that I haven't seen for weeks or months to catch up on each other's lives. It was an awesome party actually. The nephews/nieces that were present were extremely cute and well behaved! They made me smile a lot. I left Mike at the back of my head for a while and did my best to enjoy the party, and have a wonderful birthday/christmas party. I succeeded in rule #3, as promised to Mike! :)
Soon everyone left, and I opened my presents, though mostly angbaos. The gifts were good, but obviously the excitement depreciates every year as I grow older. I guess it just gets harder to get gifts for people when they grow up, as compared to when I was a kid :) But it actually isn't hard to make me happy with a gift, as long as it is something cute like a collectible or shiny like Swarvoski? Yar I have a thing for super nice crystals! Nice clothings would be a good too, but I guess its hard to buy clothes for others!
Anyway, now I'm all alone once again. My family is asleep and its just me having some time for myself on this peaceful Christmas night. I still miss Mike. Sigh.. Smsed him a Merry Xmas the minute the clock struck 12 but there was no reply :( Maybe he's asleep.. or spending Xmas with someone else? (AHHH.. the thought of it makes my heart drop) OKOK.. don't think about it. I just hope he at least replies me to wish me back or something, am sure that would make me contented and happy at least for a while. I really do hope to see him soon. I miss him a lot and I wanna talk to him. I hope he had/will be having a nice Christmas celebration with his close friends or family (he really loves his nephews a lot!). It has been 23years of my life, and my dream christmas is to be with the person I love (Mike?), sitting by a christmas tree, enjoying each other's company and probably a nice cup of warm hot chocolate. After that I would just wanna sleep in his arms, all the way till the Christmas morning. How nice would that be :((
OK. enough talking its time for me to sign off. I will be back soon. In the meantime I wish Mike a super merry xmas, and I would try to enjoy this festive season as well and abide by his rules. I am not a fool, and I still strongly believe Mike is my gold.
-Werd
Friday, December 23, 2011
This is my story, and it is now day 1 after my much awaited and lucky meeting with the person i am infatuated/in love with. Infatuation or love? I don't know. But i do believe in love at first sight. I am starting up this blog as I have no one else to turn to and this could be a place where I could pen down my most truthful thoughts.
Yesterday was an emotional meeting with him. I waited for about 2hrs at his block, i called several helplines as I was really upset and on the verge of breaking down. I actually even called the IMH for help. During my conversation with the IMH personnel, i don't even recall what happened. It seemed like i saw Mike's car drove by, but yet it seemed like I didn't really notice it. I didn't know what to expect. I would have no courage to walk up to him as well even if it really was him. I didn't know what to do at all. And suddenly, he patted my back. I was instantly speechless. I felt like crying but I knew I had to stop behaving like a kid. All I could say was sorry. I truly felt sorry for making him feel so irritated. When I saw the initial exasperated look on his face I felt really really bad, but yet I was extremely upset. I had to bottle it, I did not want to make him feel even more exasperated with me. I don't want to be a burden to him. Then we talked. And he mentioned several stuff, one of which was a birthday wish. I couldn't help it anymore I tried to hold the tears in but I really couldn't. At that instant I felt like just going into his arms and cry out all the tears i've kept over the past weeks. His presence was so comforting.
Soon after, I stopped and we chatted. I couldn't think straight, the entire time I was feeling so emotional. I just wanted to tell him that I really really love him, but I knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear. I want him to be happy, and I also know that he doesn't like to take things too quickly. This is an area that I must work on if I truly want this relationship to work. Honestly speaking, I haven't officially been in a relationship with anyone before and maybe this lack of experience shows up in my over emotional and obsessive behavior, but I have definitely learnt something out of it. I understand that being in a relationship is going to be challenging and not what I picture as a fairytale, but I am willing to do my best and make sure my partner is happy, even at times when it is at the expense of my happiness. Of course in the optimal scenario, both parties should be equally happy but I guess the reality of it renders it not possible all the time. I love Mike, and I want to be the one to make him happy, and not be a burden to him or let him worry about anything, especially me and my crazy mentality.
The conversation moved to the coffee shop and I was feeling much better then. I tried my best to then talk normally again, but I wasn't entirely 100% as well. The uptightness and emotions still took a foothold of me, but I still tried my best. I asked him if this would be our last meeting. When i popped that question I was extremely worried, I did not even know why I asked that, and I knew that I could only take 'no' for an answer. If he had said 'yes' I wouldn't know what I would have reacted, I do not even want to think about it. He told me not to think of the 'what ifs' as it just makes people negative and live in regret all their lives. Thus I shall do that.
Anyway, he said we will certainly meet again if i adhered to 3 ground rules:
1. No falling in love with him until I know him more
2. Treat him as just an ordinary guy
3. Have a happy birthday and merry christmas
I have no issue complying with #3. With my friends and family around, I am certain I can make this season a festive one. I just have to boost my spirits up in time for the celebrations. I WILL TRY MY BEST! With regards to #2, he is currently still someone special to me, but then again I will listen to him and treat him as just an ordinary guy, but also treat myself as just an ordinary person. We are all equally ordinary.
Rule #1 is certainly the hardest and most challenging one. Maybe that's why he posted it as #1, as it was of prime importance. I know that he probably has no feelings at all for me and that I'm the wrong guy for him in terms of age, maturity, financial status, and maybe other factors that he didn't mention. I understand where he's coming from. He has been through it and I trust his experiences. He told me he also got infatuated before in his life and that things did not turn out good eventually. I believe he wants me to be clear of what I'm going for. Infatuation is not healthy. I can't possibly love someone if I don't know the person inside out. That's the point he's driving at. Similarly, that was precisely why he gave me the fool's gold as my birthday present. It is to remind me that I cannot simply look at things on the surface, I have to understand it more before I jump into conclusions such as love. If not I would be nothing but a fool. But on the flip side, If i choose to love this ordinary piece of fake gold for who he is because I have understood him more and been with this piece of fake gold for a long period of time, then I guess even the fakest piece of pyrite, can be my priceless gold, worth much more than the most expensive piece of gold on the face of this earth.
I haven't smsed him or called him for a day and a half and I shall keep it this way, to keep things slow and steady and only contacting him for proper purposes, not irrationally. But i can't deny that, I think of him all the time when I'm alone. I try to drown myself in activities but the effect is only temporary. When I'm alone on the bus, I look out the window and all that swirls in my head is him. I don't deny I used to have lustful thoughts over other guys, but this time round surprisingly, I do not even have much lustful thoughts about Mike. The only thing lustful that I might have probably thought of is simply hugging and kissing him again, and telling him that I love him. Other than that, I do not even want to fathom other thoughts for now. I just wish that one day he'll buy me a flower or soft toy, treat me to lunch or dinner, or simply ask me out for a chat for a coffee. The other day I had a dream that we were together and watching a movie. He put his hands over my stomach as I laid in his shoulders with intimate body proximity. It felt like heaven, I felt so loved. I did not want to wake up but I did, and I cried immediately knowing that it was just a dream. I do hope that dreams come true, and that birthday wishes come true as well. It should be obvious to you now what I have wished for my birthday this year.
Alright, as of now I will learn from my mistakes and be a better and more matured person, as well as to adhere to Mike's 3 Golden Rules. I know that I can do it. For the benefit for both of us, and if I still want a shot at achieving my dream relationship, I need to prove to Mike that I can be the one for him. It might be wrong to conclude it this way, but I believe I still have very very strong feelings for him at the moment which would be hard to contain. I will try my best to change my thinking but as of now I will follow my heart and trust fate to be kind.
I hope he doesn't get attached with some other guys that he's going out with that are of his age group :( It worries me thinking about it. I don't know what will happen if that day comes, how can I face it? Will I breakdown even more than this time? Anyway, I hope he calls me up soon, and I promise I would behave as myself - Drew and it will be an open occasion to allow us to understand each other better. Till then, I will try my best to control my emotions and stay happy, for Mike's sake, as well as for myself. I hope Mike is happy as well living in his new condo and having his own new life now, but I believe he is! Condos are like the most awesome types of apartments, i prefer them as compared to private estates or bungalows! My dream place would certainly be a condo as well, small, serene and cosy!
School is starting for him soon, which is next week I believe. He has a lot of preparation to do and stuff. I shall not bother him then, but I'm sure he can handle the pressure well! I have faith in him! Go Mike! I support you! School is only starting for me in Feb, hence its gonna be a boring January ahead as well. I hope I do not let my mind go astray. I shall find something to do like heading to the gym more often, swim more often, and maybe even start learning driving so that in future I might be able to drive into Parc Emily? :P I hope so!
Till then, I hope the next time I visit this blog I would be in a happier state. Right now, still a little depressed and insecure. But i'll try. Thanks for your time listening to my blabber, but I truly meant every word I typed!
-Werd
Yesterday was an emotional meeting with him. I waited for about 2hrs at his block, i called several helplines as I was really upset and on the verge of breaking down. I actually even called the IMH for help. During my conversation with the IMH personnel, i don't even recall what happened. It seemed like i saw Mike's car drove by, but yet it seemed like I didn't really notice it. I didn't know what to expect. I would have no courage to walk up to him as well even if it really was him. I didn't know what to do at all. And suddenly, he patted my back. I was instantly speechless. I felt like crying but I knew I had to stop behaving like a kid. All I could say was sorry. I truly felt sorry for making him feel so irritated. When I saw the initial exasperated look on his face I felt really really bad, but yet I was extremely upset. I had to bottle it, I did not want to make him feel even more exasperated with me. I don't want to be a burden to him. Then we talked. And he mentioned several stuff, one of which was a birthday wish. I couldn't help it anymore I tried to hold the tears in but I really couldn't. At that instant I felt like just going into his arms and cry out all the tears i've kept over the past weeks. His presence was so comforting.
Soon after, I stopped and we chatted. I couldn't think straight, the entire time I was feeling so emotional. I just wanted to tell him that I really really love him, but I knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear. I want him to be happy, and I also know that he doesn't like to take things too quickly. This is an area that I must work on if I truly want this relationship to work. Honestly speaking, I haven't officially been in a relationship with anyone before and maybe this lack of experience shows up in my over emotional and obsessive behavior, but I have definitely learnt something out of it. I understand that being in a relationship is going to be challenging and not what I picture as a fairytale, but I am willing to do my best and make sure my partner is happy, even at times when it is at the expense of my happiness. Of course in the optimal scenario, both parties should be equally happy but I guess the reality of it renders it not possible all the time. I love Mike, and I want to be the one to make him happy, and not be a burden to him or let him worry about anything, especially me and my crazy mentality.
The conversation moved to the coffee shop and I was feeling much better then. I tried my best to then talk normally again, but I wasn't entirely 100% as well. The uptightness and emotions still took a foothold of me, but I still tried my best. I asked him if this would be our last meeting. When i popped that question I was extremely worried, I did not even know why I asked that, and I knew that I could only take 'no' for an answer. If he had said 'yes' I wouldn't know what I would have reacted, I do not even want to think about it. He told me not to think of the 'what ifs' as it just makes people negative and live in regret all their lives. Thus I shall do that.
Anyway, he said we will certainly meet again if i adhered to 3 ground rules:
1. No falling in love with him until I know him more
2. Treat him as just an ordinary guy
3. Have a happy birthday and merry christmas
I have no issue complying with #3. With my friends and family around, I am certain I can make this season a festive one. I just have to boost my spirits up in time for the celebrations. I WILL TRY MY BEST! With regards to #2, he is currently still someone special to me, but then again I will listen to him and treat him as just an ordinary guy, but also treat myself as just an ordinary person. We are all equally ordinary.
Rule #1 is certainly the hardest and most challenging one. Maybe that's why he posted it as #1, as it was of prime importance. I know that he probably has no feelings at all for me and that I'm the wrong guy for him in terms of age, maturity, financial status, and maybe other factors that he didn't mention. I understand where he's coming from. He has been through it and I trust his experiences. He told me he also got infatuated before in his life and that things did not turn out good eventually. I believe he wants me to be clear of what I'm going for. Infatuation is not healthy. I can't possibly love someone if I don't know the person inside out. That's the point he's driving at. Similarly, that was precisely why he gave me the fool's gold as my birthday present. It is to remind me that I cannot simply look at things on the surface, I have to understand it more before I jump into conclusions such as love. If not I would be nothing but a fool. But on the flip side, If i choose to love this ordinary piece of fake gold for who he is because I have understood him more and been with this piece of fake gold for a long period of time, then I guess even the fakest piece of pyrite, can be my priceless gold, worth much more than the most expensive piece of gold on the face of this earth.
I haven't smsed him or called him for a day and a half and I shall keep it this way, to keep things slow and steady and only contacting him for proper purposes, not irrationally. But i can't deny that, I think of him all the time when I'm alone. I try to drown myself in activities but the effect is only temporary. When I'm alone on the bus, I look out the window and all that swirls in my head is him. I don't deny I used to have lustful thoughts over other guys, but this time round surprisingly, I do not even have much lustful thoughts about Mike. The only thing lustful that I might have probably thought of is simply hugging and kissing him again, and telling him that I love him. Other than that, I do not even want to fathom other thoughts for now. I just wish that one day he'll buy me a flower or soft toy, treat me to lunch or dinner, or simply ask me out for a chat for a coffee. The other day I had a dream that we were together and watching a movie. He put his hands over my stomach as I laid in his shoulders with intimate body proximity. It felt like heaven, I felt so loved. I did not want to wake up but I did, and I cried immediately knowing that it was just a dream. I do hope that dreams come true, and that birthday wishes come true as well. It should be obvious to you now what I have wished for my birthday this year.
Alright, as of now I will learn from my mistakes and be a better and more matured person, as well as to adhere to Mike's 3 Golden Rules. I know that I can do it. For the benefit for both of us, and if I still want a shot at achieving my dream relationship, I need to prove to Mike that I can be the one for him. It might be wrong to conclude it this way, but I believe I still have very very strong feelings for him at the moment which would be hard to contain. I will try my best to change my thinking but as of now I will follow my heart and trust fate to be kind.
I hope he doesn't get attached with some other guys that he's going out with that are of his age group :( It worries me thinking about it. I don't know what will happen if that day comes, how can I face it? Will I breakdown even more than this time? Anyway, I hope he calls me up soon, and I promise I would behave as myself - Drew and it will be an open occasion to allow us to understand each other better. Till then, I will try my best to control my emotions and stay happy, for Mike's sake, as well as for myself. I hope Mike is happy as well living in his new condo and having his own new life now, but I believe he is! Condos are like the most awesome types of apartments, i prefer them as compared to private estates or bungalows! My dream place would certainly be a condo as well, small, serene and cosy!
School is starting for him soon, which is next week I believe. He has a lot of preparation to do and stuff. I shall not bother him then, but I'm sure he can handle the pressure well! I have faith in him! Go Mike! I support you! School is only starting for me in Feb, hence its gonna be a boring January ahead as well. I hope I do not let my mind go astray. I shall find something to do like heading to the gym more often, swim more often, and maybe even start learning driving so that in future I might be able to drive into Parc Emily? :P I hope so!
Till then, I hope the next time I visit this blog I would be in a happier state. Right now, still a little depressed and insecure. But i'll try. Thanks for your time listening to my blabber, but I truly meant every word I typed!
-Werd
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