I'm so sorry for blogging late today. I don't think I can tell you the story as well, regarding my 3rd crush. Today has been an awesome day, up until today. I managed to play tennis for 3hours despite some minor rain, and then had dinner with 2 of my female friends at orchard, it was 4hours of catching up and just chatting. Wonderful.

But sad to say, you won't believe what just happened to me. I think I had a panic attack, or a mental breakdown, I don't know. I just had this ultra surging feel of sadness that completely engulfed me and I felt like crying but the tears wont come out. I only teared a bit. But my thoughts went crazy and I actually hyperventilated a bit and just literally crumbled in the toilet. I have never felt this way before. I don't know what happen. It was scary. My mind was all over the place. I thought of Mike.. I thought of how he is with some other guy. I thought of how much he wishes I wasn't part of his life. I thought of how i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I thought of how sad I would be without Mike. I don't know, I just literally got swarmed in negativity. It went on for around 15mins until I told myself to really calm down and regroup. Mike promised me that he would still be around and he's not going anywhere. That's what I constantly told myself to reassure and allay my fears. I managed to calm down a little but I'm currently still feeling very emotional, and I'm actually tearing a little while typing this now. I am scared, really really scared of losing Mike even as a friend. I am afraid he doesn't contact me. I dont know.... I don't know what to do.. I don't want to scare him off. I cannot let him know that i'm having such episodes of depression and mental breakdown because of him. Its not his fault, its mine and my poor emotional thresholds. I love him and I don't want to be a burden to him, a healthy relationship should not be like that. I don't want to be feeling this way!!

I guess this whole episode just tells me that the past few days of trying to put him at the back of my mind did not actually work, and my mental volcano actually erupted today I guess. I need to regroup my thoughts and try my best to stay strong within this period. At least until Mike finally contacts me, I don't want to appear so cheap and like a pest to him to constantly be the one initiating messages. I know the day he initiates a conversation with me would make me extremely happy. I'm really afraid of breaking down again. I don't want to.. I'm sorry Mike.. I'm so so so sorry I'm so emotionally and mentally weak.. i'm such a lovesick blob of crap. I need to sleep now, I hope I don't get insomnia. Sorry for the lousy post today and thanks for listening to me rant. I'm still pretty affected by the episode just now.

-Werd