This is my story, and it is now day 1 after my much awaited and lucky meeting with the person i am infatuated/in love with. Infatuation or love? I don't know. But i do believe in love at first sight. I am starting up this blog as I have no one else to turn to and this could be a place where I could pen down my most truthful thoughts.

Yesterday was an emotional meeting with him. I waited for about 2hrs at his block, i called several helplines as I was really upset and on the verge of breaking down. I actually even called the IMH for help. During my conversation with the IMH personnel, i don't even recall what happened. It seemed like i saw Mike's car drove by, but yet it seemed like I didn't really notice it. I didn't know what to expect. I would have no courage to walk up to him as well even if it really was him. I didn't know what to do at all. And suddenly, he patted my back. I was instantly speechless. I felt like crying but I knew I had to stop behaving like a kid. All I could say was sorry. I truly felt sorry for making him feel so irritated. When I saw the initial exasperated look on his face I felt really really bad, but yet I was extremely upset. I had to bottle it, I did not want to make him feel even more exasperated with me. I don't want to be a burden to him. Then we talked. And he mentioned several stuff, one of which was a birthday wish. I couldn't help it anymore I tried to hold the tears in but I really couldn't. At that instant I felt like just going into his arms and cry out all the tears i've kept over the past weeks. His presence was so comforting.

Soon after, I stopped and we chatted. I couldn't think straight, the entire time I was feeling so emotional. I just wanted to tell him that I really really love him, but I knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear. I want him to be happy, and I also know that he doesn't like to take things too quickly. This is an area that I must work on if I truly want this relationship to work. Honestly speaking, I haven't officially been in a relationship with anyone before and maybe this lack of experience shows up in my over emotional and obsessive behavior, but I have definitely learnt something out of it. I understand that being in a relationship is going to be challenging and not what I picture as a fairytale, but I am willing to do my best and make sure my partner is happy, even at times when it is at the expense of my happiness. Of course in the optimal scenario, both parties should be equally happy but I guess the reality of it renders it not possible all the time. I love Mike, and I want to be the one to make him happy, and not be a burden to him or let him worry about anything, especially me and my crazy mentality.

The conversation moved to the coffee shop and I was feeling much better then. I tried my best to then talk normally again, but I wasn't entirely 100% as well. The uptightness and emotions still took a foothold of me, but I still tried my best. I asked him if this would be our last meeting. When i popped that question I was extremely worried, I did not even know why I asked that, and I knew that I could only take 'no' for an answer. If he had said 'yes' I wouldn't know what I would have reacted, I do not even want to think about it. He told me not to think of the 'what ifs' as it just makes people negative and live in regret all their lives. Thus I shall do that.

Anyway, he said we will certainly meet again if i adhered to 3 ground rules:
1. No falling in love with him until I know him more
2. Treat him as just an ordinary guy
3. Have a happy birthday and merry christmas

I have no issue complying with #3. With my friends and family around, I am certain I can make this season a festive one. I just have to boost my spirits up in time for the celebrations. I WILL TRY MY BEST! With regards to #2, he is currently still someone special to me, but then again I will listen to him and treat him as just an ordinary guy, but also treat myself as just an ordinary person. We are all equally ordinary.

Rule #1 is certainly the hardest and most challenging one. Maybe that's why he posted it as #1, as it was of prime importance. I know that he probably has no feelings at all for me and that I'm the wrong guy for him in terms of age, maturity, financial status, and maybe other factors that he didn't mention. I understand where he's coming from. He has been through it and I trust his experiences. He told me he also got infatuated before in his life and that things did not turn out good eventually. I believe he wants me to be clear of what I'm going for. Infatuation is not healthy. I can't possibly love someone if I don't know the person inside out. That's the point he's driving at. Similarly, that was precisely why he gave me the fool's gold as my birthday present. It is to remind me that I cannot simply look at things on the surface, I have to understand it more before I jump into conclusions such as love. If not I would be nothing but a fool. But on the flip side, If i choose to love this ordinary piece of fake gold for who he is because I have understood him more and been with this piece of fake gold for a long period of time, then I guess even the fakest piece of pyrite, can be my priceless gold, worth much more than the most expensive piece of gold on the face of this earth.

I haven't smsed him or called him for a day and a half and I shall keep it this way, to keep things slow and steady and only contacting him for proper purposes, not irrationally. But i can't deny that, I think of him all the time when I'm alone. I try to drown myself in activities but the effect is only temporary. When I'm alone on the bus, I look out the window and all that swirls in my head is him. I don't deny I used to have lustful thoughts over other guys, but this time round surprisingly, I do not even have much lustful thoughts about Mike. The only thing lustful that I might have probably thought of is simply hugging and kissing him again, and telling him that I love him. Other than that, I do not even want to fathom other thoughts for now. I just wish that one day he'll buy me a flower or soft toy, treat me to lunch or dinner, or simply ask me out for a chat for a coffee. The other day I had a dream that we were together and watching a movie. He put his hands over my stomach as I laid in his shoulders with intimate body proximity. It felt like heaven, I felt so loved. I did not want to wake up but I did, and I cried immediately knowing that it was just a dream. I do hope that dreams come true, and that birthday wishes come true as well. It should be obvious to you now what I have wished for my birthday this year.

Alright, as of now I will learn from my mistakes and be a better and more matured person, as well as to adhere to Mike's 3 Golden Rules. I know that I can do it. For the benefit for both of us, and if I still want a shot at achieving my dream relationship, I need to prove to Mike that I can be the one for him. It might be wrong to conclude it this way, but I believe I still have very very strong feelings for him at the moment which would be hard to contain. I will try my best to change my thinking but as of now I will follow my heart and trust fate to be kind.

I hope he doesn't get attached with some other guys that he's going out with that are of his age group :( It worries me thinking about it. I don't know what will happen if that day comes, how can I face it? Will I breakdown even more than this time? Anyway, I hope he calls me up soon, and I promise I would behave as myself - Drew and it will be an open occasion to allow us to understand each other better. Till then, I will try my best to control my emotions and stay happy, for Mike's sake, as well as for myself. I hope Mike is happy as well living in his new condo and having his own new life now, but I believe he is! Condos are like the most awesome types of apartments, i prefer them as compared to private estates or bungalows! My dream place would certainly be a condo as well, small, serene and cosy!

School is starting for him soon, which is next week I believe. He has a lot of preparation to do and stuff. I shall not bother him then, but I'm sure he can handle the pressure well! I have faith in him! Go Mike! I support you! School is only starting for me in Feb, hence its gonna be a boring January ahead as well. I hope I do not let my mind go astray. I shall find something to do like heading to the gym more often, swim more often, and maybe even start learning driving so that in future I might be able to drive into Parc Emily? :P I hope so!

Till then, I hope the next time I visit this blog I would be in a happier state. Right now, still a little depressed and insecure. But i'll try. Thanks for your time listening to my blabber, but I truly meant every word I typed!

-Werd